News (ish) from Perth

December 13, 2006 by The Third Umpire

Greetings, gang and welcome to Perth. What’s it like? 1) It’s the second sunniest city in the world (after Honolulu, fact fans) and (2) the most remote - there’s a Europe-sized desert between it and Adelaide. 3) They have free buses but (4) the free buses never come. 5) the Ashes urn is on display in the local museum and you’re advised to book early but 6) when I went, there was no-one there. 7) the people at the WACA never cal lit the ‘whacker’ but always the W.A.C.A. What’s THAT about? 8) Right now, it’s full of lots of English people. NORTHERN English people so that 9) it feels even more like a small but very pleasant county town in England than it would do anyway which may explain why (10) in a poll of 27,000 UK folk, it came out as Brit’s favourite city abroad - ahead of New York, Paris, Munich and all them.
So.
England have got their story straight about Adelaide, at least. ‘We did really well for four days and only lost through that one bad session which doesn’t really count because everything went a bit MAD, then.’
Well, that’s alright then. If only the rules of cricket were changed so you could scratch out a session that didn’t go so well and also get some extra marks for having a balanced side, then everything would be in order.

Thing is England HAVE competed with the bat in both games but they really haven’t looked like getting Australia out; we’re all kind of counting on Monty to come in and take 12 wickets in this game. Stranger things have happened. But - good though Monty is - it all has the taste of desperation about it. And when people are talking up Origami Mahmood as the man to come in and shore up the quick bowlers, well, you know they’re taking a long shot. As you know, I’m a big fan of Origami, but he’d surely be better off coming into a team that was doing okay - rather than people expecting him to be brilliant straight away in order to save the Ashes. (Poet Ruffian Jon Lewis and Stuart Broad, meanwhile, have been bowling at England in the nets, but obviously not triggering any fresh thoughts in coach Fletcher’s mind.)

Anyway, in the local paper the other day, Mr Cricket, Mike Hussey, was mourning the passing of Damo ‘Mr Anonymous’ Martin. He said he hoped there would be some kind of ‘motorcade’ at the Test to celebrate his career! Never mind ‘Mr Cricket’ - how about ‘Mr Insanely Deluded.’ Me, I’m hoping for a military fly-past and a playing of the Last Post to mourn the continued absence of Poet Ruffian Jon Lewis from the England 11 - but then they don’t call me Mr Cricket, do they? No, they call me - rather cumbersomely - Mr Cricket-Themed Web-based Edutainment. By all accounts.

(Also in the local paper - the West Australian, if you care - was a story about a fella campaigning so that blind people could legally go hunting! What a country!)

Damo was possibly not in the country when he announced his retirement and is now spending the rest of the series in Honolulu! It’s that bit sunnier, of course. Any England players who we think should be packed off to the land of the bendy guitar and the grass skirt, readers?

Talking of Gilo, his column in the Independent seems to undermine much of the talk of England being an Arsene Wenger-style hive of sports science. But maybe the great man’s Nando’s and booze refuelling habits are an attempt to emulate Warner. Views, have you any? [email protected]

Here’s the question, though: what if Mr Excitement doesn’t pick Monty for this game? England have named a 13-man squad for the game, with Mahmood and the Montster added to the 11 from last week’s debacle in Adelaide. EVERYONE - including you - assumes that Monty must play - but then we all thought that about the first Test, didn’t we? Any pointers to the state of the pitch? Well, word is that the the pitch for the warm-up game against Western Oz was beautiful for batting on and as slow as anything - but that the Test pitch is going to be a lot quicker.
Will the pitch take turn? Well, it’s no indication of anything at all but I was at the WACA yesterday to see the England legends team beat the Aussies in a Twenty20 - and John Embers Emburey - the Gilo of the 80s - took 3/20 to win the man of the match award. How about THAT? (SPIN’s own Chalky Thorpe top-scored with 72, btw.)

So the answer is... we can’t say for sure.

Now, what was the question?

Our over-by-overs, led by the Bunyip (to whom I pay a grudging respect) have been getting massive ratings - so tell more of your pals and we’ll get even more and get our own TV show and sponsor the England team and make it a condition of sponsorship that we get to pick the team and make the Ruffian captain and recall the Smooth-Talking Rogue Solanki and maybe I’ve said too much already.

The xbox is still up for grabs to the best emailer of the series - so keep emailing to [email protected] with your views, sane or otherwise.

More Blog Entries