Third Umpire flown in to shore up Ashes bid

December 10, 2006 by The Third Umpire

You see, what matters to me is not whether England win the series - or even a Test or even a session. No: so long as they field a 'balanced' team in every game, and the tail isn't too long, we'll all be happy.
Or am I wrong?
Anyway, I think we covered all THAT in my last sermon. BTW 75 per cent of you blame Mr Excitement Duncan Fletcher for England's Ashes woes - and over 13,000 voted on that poll so maybe the ECB will sit up and take notice. Whether those of you who said that I should replace Mr E will be a)heeded or b) reported to social services is what proper/rubbish journalists would call a moot point.
Me neither.
Brilliantly, England are treating the two games between the second and third Tests as unwanted distractions rather than an opportunity for match practise. That's good to see: it's not as if they need any practise. Well done, everyone.
So Friday's run-out at Lilac Hill featured Alec Stewart - The Gaffer - as skipper. Naturally enough he top-scored, with Smokey Hollioake and Robin Smith - The Judge - also showing the fringe players how it should be done. No sign of many Test players there - apart from Monty who possibly doesn't count.
The two-day game against West Oz has seen a similarly cavalier approach, with Michael Vaughan getting a game even though Mr Excitement says he probably won't play in a Test. So what's THAT about? Has Mr E given up the ghost? Or is he now planning ahead to the World Cup?

Anyway, the REAL news is that The Third Umpire (ie me) has hit Perth and I've made it my mission to find out exactly what's going on out here.
Sunday, I was up at the WACA to see the second day of said 'warm-up' game: the Wingco and Cookie put on 183 for the first wicket, with Cook getting an unbeaten 106 before retiring. Jonah Jones got a first-ball duck going in at 3, but Folksinger Ed Joyce (73) and Jockey Chris Read (59no) both did well: Ready's half-ton was very loudly cheered (well, loudly applauded anyway) by the England fans: not a huge crowd there, maybe 5,000-ish, but it felt as though the Jones/Read debate wasn't actually much of a debate for the fans. Which possibly it shouldn't be.
And Michael Vaughan? Well, he got a massive cheer when he came out at No 4. The idiots! It wasn't even him! It was the Folksinger. You could tell it wasn't Virgil because a) the fellow who came in at 4 hit loads of runs and b) he did it left-handed. So. Virgil was padded up at one point but soon decided to spend his time chatting to Mr Excitement and signing autographs. What a way to spend your Sunday.
Quite why he was included in the team is anyone's guess. As for the game itself, well, isn't it kind of against the sporting LAW to charge people money to see a game in which there's no possibility of a result right from the start? When England went passed West Oz's total of 322 in the last hour, I kind of assumed they'd won - but they carried on batting! Yep - it was a two-innings game played over two days. Genius.

The BBC seems to have sent an army of bloggists to the Ashes to tell you about where they had breakfast. Well done, them! Who's paying for THAT, readers? Well, you and me, I guess. What dreary freeloading buffoons they are. Suffice to say, I ain't telling you where I'M having breakfast. It's a secret. Like you care, anyway.

Keep the emails coming, readers. Obviously, everyone is saying pretty muich the same thing re: Monty/Gilo etc - next time I might even round them up, like we promised to do AGES ago. Until then, it's the Third Umpire saying Thank you and Good morning/afternoon.

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