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December 27, 2006 by The Third Umpire

Welcome back, readers. Have anything nice for Christmas?

So I'm back Back BACK from my Aussie trip, not actually converted to wearing vests and watching swimming but, you know, keen to go back. The Aussies all seemed very pleasant too - I don't know why everyone hates them. Highlights? Loads, but being in Perth 'nite' 'spot' The Deen when Binger staggered on stage at 1 in the morning to play some pub rock was pretty good. (Environmental do-gooders claim that Australia is sinking two inches a year under the weight of all that pub rock, of course. But what do they know?) Also a 40 minute audience with Poet Ruffian Jon Lewis (to go in next month's SPIN magazine). Lowlights? None, really, England's abject surrender aside - but, after all the hype, it was disappointing to see the WACA so empty when Australia reclaimed the Ashes. England won the Ashes in 2005 on a Monday and the place was absolutely RAMMED. At the WACA there were literally dozens of Australians going MAD. Well, looking mildly interested anyway. Fanatics? Are they only called that because it's snappier to put on a T-shirt than 'People Who Can Take It or Leave It, Really'?

"Everywhere we go, people want to know where we come from," sing the Barmy Army all day (or at least all day when things are going well for England - when England really NEED support, they're as silent as a rigorously policed library). Note to all those 'people'. The answer is The North, especially parts of it without major top-flight football teams. That'll save you a question, then.

Incidentally, while Savile - the Barmy leader - is plainly a legend, the REAL star is the 'Ave It' man - a cab driverish fella with two printed boards that say 'Ave It' - he stands up once every 20 minutes and urges the surrounding hordes to, indeed, 'Ave It'. Ah - you have to be there.

Anyway hopefully, me and Mrs The Third plus Kemp will be doing some over-by-overs in the next couple of weeks (or at least some sessions) plus do a new podcast to replace the one that's been up there about six weeks now. Watch this space. If you care.

Still no sign of Mr Excitement Duncan Fletcher's long-missing ODI masterplan - but at least the Test version is now in the public domain. It's all basic stuff: "Bowl at the three wooden things"; "try not to fall over"; "don't start crying within first ten overs". Yep, England's Test Masterplan - or, as I like to call it, the longest suicide note in history - has been doing the rounds in the media these last 24 hours. I don't see that it makes all that much difference - if Symo can't move his feet or Gilly doesn't like bouncers from round the wicket, that's still true, whether they see it written down or not. Anyway, what plan is Origami Mahmood (or any of them) bowling to? "Bowl 10 overs of rubbish to confuse them and, 200 runs later, bowl a couple of corkers when it's too late."?

Here's the thing: Australia are obviously a better team than England. For the tourists to compete, they needed to pick the right players, everyone needed to play to their best AND probably they needed a little bit of luck. Even the most one-eyed Aussie (and how would you judge THAT competition?) would agree that the umpiring decisions have gone against England: three bad dismissals for Strauss in the series; three let-offs for the Big Fish in the first innings in Melbourne alone. That's not why England have lost - really, it's just proof that the best team gets all the luck. BUT the sheer number of mistakes, especially from Slow-Death Rudi Koertzen MUST mean we need to look at getting in more technology into the game.
So all you Aussies who've written in whingeing about me whingeing - well, if you REALLY think the umpiring's been any good, you're straight idiots. And I ain't saying England would have won otherwise - Australia are better than England at cricket and swimming and the weather's lovely. Well done. But England fans have been let down not just by their players and coaches - but by the umpires too. That's all I'm saying.

The thing that gets me about the England camp is just how relaxed they all are. Their girlfriends and wives have been out there since the start of the series and, at night, instead of going out as a team, they go out with their families instead. Concerts? They've been to a few - Elton, Robbie, Kylie, U2. And generally they seem very breezy about everything, they're having a nice time: never mind that defeat, let's put it behind us, focus on the next game. But look at the Aussies - they're on a MISSION: look at Roy Symonds' interview after his ton on Tuesday - he was using words like "passion" and "joy". Imagine Hoggard or Strauss talking like THAT, rather than just laughing it off. Sure, Fletcher's regime is all about keeping level-headed - never up, never down, let's not get carried away etc. But at what point do England really start playing with some guts and raw emotion, some life-or-death application, instead of throwing their wickets away and then having a laugh at close of play? At what point do they start to look like they're really hurting, like these defeats really matter to them? Maybe they DO need to stay relaxed out on the park - but they could TRY and give the appearance of having a bit of passion. Or am I wrong?

The one-day team? I have views... which I'll tell you tomorrow. The phrase 'Re-arranging the deckchairs on the Titanic' will appear. And may suffice.

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