My week with England by Mrs The Third Umpire

December 14, 2006 by Mrs Third Umpire

"You're f***ing useless, Jones. I'd rather see Hitler behind the stumps. Chris Read is a god." It wasn't the best introduction to the Barmy Army. I'd been led to believe they were a bunch of cheeky chappies, who may like the amber nectar a little too much, but that on the whole are patriotic cricket-lovers who get behind their team. This message hadn't filtered through to this one particular Notts fan who happened to sit himself in front of me at my first game at the WACA - and first on Aussie soil - and began to pollute the air.

My first game of our tour down under was the second day of England's warm-up game. It was a bizarre affair during which Virgil Vaughan was touted to play, but instead sat padded up most of the day, and then just didn't bother to come out. The Wing Commander and Cookie looked good. In fact everyone apart from the hapless Jonah (yes, including the Jockey), racked up the runs.

It was nice to see England win something at last, even if it was rather pointless. But we have to take our grains of comfort where we can when the local papers fill their pages every day with another veteran player - both Aussie and Pom - pontificating on England's lost cause. On local TV, Gus Fraser had the nerve to pop up to mope - as is his wont - that the end of the world is nigh. The fact that he had the nerve to show his face at all after his performance on Tuesday night in the 'Legends' Twenty20 game - my second game at the WACA - is testament to the Warhorse's lack of shame.

Yes, Gus went for more than 10 an over as England's 'strike force', which also included DeFreitas, Small and Malcolm - proved too toothless for the likes of Merv Hughes and Geoff Marsh. It was left to fiftysomething spin-meister John Emburey - surely signalling the benefits that Monty could reap - to take three for 20 off his four overs.

Chasing 170, the England team revealed their secret weapon - two players under 40 who've only just retired. True, Robin 'The Judge' Smith looked in good touch, but it was Chalky Thorpe and Smoky Hollioake who did the damage. Gatting may have departed for a duck from a special appearance by Dennis Lillee, but the 'youngsters' did the business, with Hollioake winning the game by thwacking three sixes off Ian Healy who bizarrely swapped his gloves for the ball.

I was enjoying this, Two games down and two victories for England.

So to the big one. The game that actually meant something. The do or die game for England. And the chance for the Aussies to show they could easily lose one of their best players to a shock disappearance and carry on as if nothing had happened.

HIghlights on day 1:
1. Realising quite early on that I was surrounded by England fans - the audible groan when Freddie lost the toss was a giveaway.
2. Finding out that the radio i'd forked out $25 for didn't only have Channel 9 commentary, but also local radio, so I didn't have to listen to Mark Nicholas if I didn't want to.
3. Not reading the local paper until halfway through the game and enjoying the comments of Punter Ponting that they would tonk the Montster and Kim Hughes' views that there was no point playing Monty as it was too little too late. I read this after Punter had departed for a measly two and Monty had a five-fer.
4. Watching Harmison NOT bowl a load of wides.
5. Listening to local radio commentary saying, as Alfie faced his first ball from Monty, "Langer doesn't like spin" and seeing the bails go flying - Monty's first victim.
6. Watching Mahmood NOT bowl a load of wides.
7. Gilo as 12th man. OK, this isn't really a highlight, surely a lowlight of this once OK bowler's career. But really, it was a picture in itself to see Gilo handing towels and water to the hero of the day - two games too late. At least Martyn knew when his number was up...
8. Missing the first over of England's innings, and hearing the cheers - two in quick succession - and fearing two quick wickets. Then realising that the cheers were for two boundaries for WC off Lee and that, in fact, England most definitely had the louder fans.
9. Witnessing Pigeon McGrath trying to whip up the Aussies after his first wicket - the lack of support certainly had the players feeling vulnerable. Sing up chaps, we can't hear you!
10. Colly surviving a few scares to still be in at the end of play.

I will be there on day 2 to watch him get another double century...

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