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UNEMPLOYED TO PICK COTTON, SAY TORIES
News - Business

'The Norman Tebbit' will ply the route between Liverpool and Savannah

THE long-term unemployed will be taken from their homes and forced to pick cotton all day, under new proposals from the Conservatives.

The party has promised huge financial rewards for those private companies willing to round up thousands of Scots, Northerners and Welsh and set them to work in the fields.

Chris Grayling, shadow minster for work and pensions said: "Many of these savages have a good bone structure and will respond well to simple commands.

"They can work all day with just a meagre ration of Pot Noodle and will prove no burden to your enterprise."

Read more...
 
CONSUMERS VOW TO REMAIN OBLIVIOUS TO MUSIC COPYING LAWS
News - Arts & Entertainment

CONSUMERS last night promised to continue ignoring the law, despite a government pledge not to throw them in jail for copying their own CDs. 

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FRENCH VOTERS EMBRACE 'LE PUMP TOTALE'
News - International

THE French have abandoned their traditional disinterest in the private lives of politicians, labeling the girlfriend of President Sarkozy a 'total pump'.

Read more...
 
LIVING IN A BIG GLASS TUBE CAN ADD 40 YEARS TO YOUR LIFE, SAY EXPERTS
News - Health

ABANDONING your job, your family and the outside world in favour of a big glass tube can extend your life expectancy by decades, according to a new study.

Read more...
 

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THE NEWS IN PICTURES

     'Seriously, I'm fine' insists woman
      with television on her head 


     "I genuinely respect my opponent
     for taking all those drugs and being
  
   half Muslim," says Senator Clinton




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Opinion

TO THE PEOPLE, I PRESENT MY VISION

By Gordon Brown

WHEN I was a small boy somewhere in Scotland, I remember meeting a poverty-stricken old man who coughed phlegm and bits all over me. Even though I was just a child, I vowed to do whatever I could to cure that man of his illness, and then destroy him.

Read more...
 

News Briefly

NHS TO FOCUS ON
REPAIRING CARS,
SAYS BROWN
"The health service must move from curing sick people to fixing Kia Piccantos," says troubled PM

 
'DID YOU KNOW ABOUT
ALL THESE MUSLIMS?'
ASKS BISHOP

"Apparently there are thousands of them going around being all Muslim and stuff," says senior cleric

 
43,546,232 PEOPLE
HAVE WON FUCK ALL
ON THE LOTTERY

"Keep playing, keep playing, keep playing, keep playing," says Camelot spokesman 


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