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McCARTNEY APOLOGISES FOR SONG ABOUT 'JAPANESE LUNATIC'
News - Arts & Entertainment

SIR Paul McCartney has revealed that the mysterious final track on Abbey Road was actually a cryptic reference to Yoko Ono.

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MICROSOFT REPLACES VISTA 'KILL-SWITCH' WITH ARMY OF MERCENARIES
News - Business

SOFTWARE giant Microsoft is to replace its built-in, anti-piracy systems with a vast army of ruthless mercenaries.

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TEDDY ROW TEACHER CALLS DIRT-BOX 'JESUS'
News - Celebrity

TEDDY row teacher Gillian Gibbons is a serial blasphemer who refers to her back-passage as 'Jesus', the Daily Mash can reveal. 

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BRITAIN'S OLDEST CAT 'HATES ASIANS'
Animals - Animals headlines

BRITAIN'S oldest cat hates Asians and thinks the Siamese are all 'bi-sexual scroungers', it emerged last night.

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THE NEWS IN PICTURES

     'Seriously, I'm fine' insists woman
      with television on her head 


     "I genuinely respect my opponent
     for taking all those drugs and being
  
   half Muslim," says Senator Clinton




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Opinion

TO THE PEOPLE, I PRESENT MY VISION

By Gordon Brown

WHEN I was a small boy somewhere in Scotland, I remember meeting a poverty-stricken old man who coughed phlegm and bits all over me. Even though I was just a child, I vowed to do whatever I could to cure that man of his illness, and then destroy him.

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News Briefly

NHS TO FOCUS ON
REPAIRING CARS,
SAYS BROWN
"The health service must move from curing sick people to fixing Kia Piccantos," says troubled PM

 
'DID YOU KNOW ABOUT
ALL THESE MUSLIMS?'
ASKS BISHOP

"Apparently there are thousands of them going around being all Muslim and stuff," says senior cleric

 
43,546,232 PEOPLE
HAVE WON FUCK ALL
ON THE LOTTERY

"Keep playing, keep playing, keep playing, keep playing," says Camelot spokesman 


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