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FUCK NATIVITY PLAYS, WE'RE DOING 'THE GODFATHER', SAY FIVE YEAR-OLDS
News - Arts & Entertainment

THE number of primary schools ditching the traditional Christmas nativity in favour of key scenes from The Godfather is at an all-time high.

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BRA RESEARCH MUST GO ON, VOWS SCIENTIST
News - Health

THE RESEARCHER developing an intelligent bra says there is ‘no way’ it is finished and that he may have to carry on studying women’s breasts for decades. 

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CANOEIST CHARGED WITH BEING AN ARSE
News - News Headlines

SUSPECTED canoeist John Darwin appeared before magistrates this morning charged with three counts of being a complete arse.

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UK LAUNCHES CRACKDOWN ON FOREIGN WIND
News - Environment

THE government has unveiled ambitious plans to end Britain's dependence on foreign wind by 2020.

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THE NEWS IN PICTURES

     'Seriously, I'm fine' insists woman
      with television on her head 


     "I genuinely respect my opponent
     for taking all those drugs and being
  
   half Muslim," says Senator Clinton




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Opinion

TO THE PEOPLE, I PRESENT MY VISION

By Gordon Brown

WHEN I was a small boy somewhere in Scotland, I remember meeting a poverty-stricken old man who coughed phlegm and bits all over me. Even though I was just a child, I vowed to do whatever I could to cure that man of his illness, and then destroy him.

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News Briefly

NHS TO FOCUS ON
REPAIRING CARS,
SAYS BROWN
"The health service must move from curing sick people to fixing Kia Piccantos," says troubled PM

 
'DID YOU KNOW ABOUT
ALL THESE MUSLIMS?'
ASKS BISHOP

"Apparently there are thousands of them going around being all Muslim and stuff," says senior cleric

 
43,546,232 PEOPLE
HAVE WON FUCK ALL
ON THE LOTTERY

"Keep playing, keep playing, keep playing, keep playing," says Camelot spokesman 


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