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TOTAL DARKNESS LINK TO BLINDING HEADACHES
News - Health

WANDERING around your house in total darkness is the single biggest cause of serious headaches, a new study has revealed.

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BRITAIN SIGNS UP FOR VORDERMAN'S 28-DAY PISS-DRINK DETOX™
News - Health

AS millions of Britons begin their New Year detox, a record number of health conscious consumers are signing up for a month-long regime of drinking their own urine.

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BRITAIN TO IGNORE BINGE-DRINK WARNING FOR 4000th YEAR IN A ROW
News - Health

THE dramatic increase in the number of people being hospitalised for excessive drinking is set to be ignored for the 4000th year in a row.

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WHAT IN THE NAME OF FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE, DECLARES UN
News - International

THE United Nations last night passed an emergency resolution calling on the people of Pakistan to explain exactly what the fuck is wrong with them.

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THE NEWS IN PICTURES

     'Seriously, I'm fine' insists woman
      with television on her head 


     "I genuinely respect my opponent
     for taking all those drugs and being
  
   half Muslim," says Senator Clinton




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Opinion

TO THE PEOPLE, I PRESENT MY VISION

By Gordon Brown

WHEN I was a small boy somewhere in Scotland, I remember meeting a poverty-stricken old man who coughed phlegm and bits all over me. Even though I was just a child, I vowed to do whatever I could to cure that man of his illness, and then destroy him.

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News Briefly

NHS TO FOCUS ON
REPAIRING CARS,
SAYS BROWN
"The health service must move from curing sick people to fixing Kia Piccantos," says troubled PM

 
'DID YOU KNOW ABOUT
ALL THESE MUSLIMS?'
ASKS BISHOP

"Apparently there are thousands of them going around being all Muslim and stuff," says senior cleric

 
43,546,232 PEOPLE
HAVE WON FUCK ALL
ON THE LOTTERY

"Keep playing, keep playing, keep playing, keep playing," says Camelot spokesman 


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