Don Juan's approach to women is through the head, ideas, concepts, even his sensuality is calculated. Federico Fellini
Shyness of the opposite sex can lead to such frustration that it poisons all other areas of your life. Try to work out what causes it. Perhaps you fear being judged negatively, or saying the wrong thing and ending up feeling a fool? Or are you so charged up with repressed desire that your nervous system is on full alert whenever you get in range of anyone who might help to satisfy it? If the latter, the answer is to go out of your way to speak to as many members of the other sex as possible, so that your mind and body get used to the situation and gradually learn not to see it as a threat. Come to our events and 'practise' on other members, or ask shop assistants what products they'd recommend in a certain range.
Move away from old habits, and control your shyness rather than allowing it to control you. Try things to help you snap out of your situations and see your trait in a new light. Fear and desire are near neighbours in the human psyche, and if you've spent years fantasising about being overwhelmed by male/female sexuality, the prospect of it actually happening may seem so disturbing that part of you feels you couldn't cope with the change it would cause to your self-image. There are two desires in conflict: you want sex (the exciting, threatening unknown), and you want to feel in control and protected from disturbing forces (the dull but safe life you've lived so far).
The answer, as the book title puts it, is to 'feel the fear and do it anyway.' (See book no. 467 in our library). Force yourself into situations where you can interact with and touch the other sex with no overt sexual overtones - dance classes, theatre groups, self-assertiveness courses. As mentioned elsewhere, one of our members cured his fear of touching women through a mixed self-defence class where the students practised the moves on each other. Another member took a blind person out on a cross-country walk, where he was forced to allow her arm on his, so he could to guide her along.
No Panic is a self-help group for people suffering from stress, anxiety and phobias, on 0808 808 0545 (0044 1952 590545 if you are calling from outside the UK 10am-10pm, 7 days a week). There's optional membership for £10, which brings newsletters and contacts with other members. Or try the Stress Management Training Institute (formerly Relaxation for Living) at Foxhills, 30 Victoria Avenue, Shanklin, Isle of Wight PO37 6LS. Tel 01983 868 166. There's no membership fee, but £10 a year brings regular newsletters.
Are you just nervous of people you fancy? Remember that these people are just human beings with the same fears, shyness and hidden anxieties as yourself: women are able to cover up their insecurities with make-up, fancy clothes and smooth talking, but don't be intimidated by veneers of confidence.
This may seem a rather extreme suggestion, but you could give it a shot. Try dressing as the opposite gender. This can help you feel what it's like to be the object of your fears and will then relate more easily to the ones you meet - they won't seem so alien. This idea has worked before and you never know, you may quite enjoy it!
Our library book no. 332, Becoming Satisfied - A Man's Guide To Sexual Fulfilment includes exercises on overcoming fear of women.
Are you nervous of being pounced on? If you're worried that some predatory male/female is going to pounce on you, seek out people who don't pose a physical threat. Try a date with someone who is paralysed for example. Be honest with yourself and them, acknowledging the help they're giving you. However, don't insult disabled people by assuming that they might be more grateful for your attention, and don't look on them as 'practice material'. If you treat them as the interesting people they are, an intimate friendship may blossom which dissolves your fear.
Things will improve! If you don't want to try any of these things, take comfort in the fact that you'll feel more relaxed as you grow older and it will become less of an issue. Men in particular can cheer themselves with the knowledge that just as you relax into sexy middle age, the cards are stacked even more in your favour: women begin to significantly outnumber men after the age of 50, and in most singles clubs for older people the ratio of women to men is about 5 to 1. So if you fancy settling down with a woman in your mature years, you'll have plenty of choice.
Does your phobia lead you to make dirty phone calls? Some men resort to using the telephone for their contact with women, having erotic conversations for masturbatory release. There are plenty of sex chatlines advertised in 'top shelf' magazines. Please don't ring up women indiscriminately to 'talk dirty'. For one thing, modern phone technology makes it very easy to record and trace calls, and you wouldn't improve your situation by ending up in court and on the front page of your local paper. If you genuinely need to talk about intimate matters with a woman, choose one on the Club list who's specifically offered to help members with emotional problems. Or else call the Samaritans.
Even if you don't care about clothes and tend to buy whatever seems practical, you may have a natural knack of looking cool. Or you may look a complete shambles. One person might think one thing and another person the opposite. In other words, your clothes express your personality and help to attract the kind of person you will get along with. The important thing is to put your clothes on with care.
Make sure, for example, your pants aren't pulled up higher than your trouser belt, your collar isn't tucked inside, your jumper isn't on inside out, your T-shirt hasn't got a stain in the front, your stubble is still unshaved under your adam's apple, or your handkerchief is filthy. Use a mirror to double check, front and back. Brighten up boring clothes with accessories. Try to work out what colours flatter you. People with darker or rosy complexions can wear more subtle shades which make the pasty faced look washed out.
Not caring what you wear or look like will make you look like a person who doesn't care about life, and doesn't like, or even know yourself.
As already mentioned, materials which feel soft and lovely are not only more pleasant to wear, but attract others to touch you. No need to break the bank: a tour of local charity shops could transform your image at little cost. If wearing something new makes you feel more fashionable and confident, go on, treat yourself. Jewellery enhances your appearance by twinkling, and exciting the eyes of those looking at you - earrings are especially effective, and rings and bracelets can make your hands look elegant. Women may like to learn more about make-up at classes.
Our library book no.92 Make-Up For Blind Women is available both in print and tape, and others deal with make-up and image presentation in general. Disabled people benefit from wearing more striking clothes so that people they meet are more likely to see the person before the disability.
If you wear specs, make sure your frames suit you. It's worth spending a bit extra for a pair that make you feel attractive and confident. Try contact lenses if you can.
Don't let your parents choose your clothes for you, they may be making you look childlike or sexless for their own reasons.
If you're unsure or timid, ask a friend or fellow Outsider to bat ideas off. Obviously appearance isn't everything, but if your clothes don't give out the right signals then you're unlikely to attract the kind of relationships that go beyond it.
Many disabled people fail to realise how gadgets can put other people off, if they remind them of hospitals and illness. This might seem very superficial but, let's face it, finding a partner sometimes depends on attracting strangers and the more you diminish the things that might put them off the better. On the other hand, you may prefer to wait for people to get to know you so they see past the gadget.
Spectacles have become fashion accessories, so can other aids. Morrissey even started a 'disability chic' craze for hearing aids a few years ago.
So, whatever aid you use, make a decision whether or not to transform it from a clinical device into a friendly tool. Wheelchairs, crutches and callipers don't have to look impersonal or medical. You can decorate them, soften them, customise them if you wish; turn them into a talking point and extension of your personality.
There are plenty of people out there to help you. Shiri Zinn, a designer at Sam Roddick's sex store in Covent Garden, Coco de Mer, offers to design beautiful sex aids for disabled people. Artists are falling over backwards to create things to make disabled people look and feel more beautiful these days, so you may as well make the most of it!
Personal hygiene has already been discussed but let's go back to it with a vengeance, as it is the MOST off-putting, least spoken about aspect of dating. It's unusual to want to kiss a mouth or touch someone who smells or looks distasteful: Rasputin was definitely an exception with certain other attractions. While you're looking for a partner, be particularly careful about this all the time, not only when you're planning to meet people - Fate may bring Mr or Miss Right into your life at any time and in the most unexpected circumstances, so make sure you're always ready to seize the moment!
Disabled people sometimes need to be especially careful about hygiene. If you wear a false eye, make sure it's clean around the edge. If you have cerebral palsy, remember that stale saliva can collect and give off an unpleasant smell, especially when you've got a cold. Everyone, but especially paralysed people who suffer from autonomic sweating, needs to take care not to pong of old sweat on their clothes and bodies.
People with ostomies and incontinence should get expert advice from qualified medical staff about whether there's any smell. Friends will rarely tell you - they'll merely drop an embarrassed hint by avoiding you instead. Get rid of dandruff, keep your nails clean and always try to look fresh and spotless. Clean your teeth after every meal if possible, and have regular check-ups at the dentist to make sure you're free from gum disease that might cause bad breath. Floss twice a day. Smokers, be aware that nicotine-stained teeth and fingers and clothes that pong of stale smoke put most people off. Wear clean clothes every day - regular trips to the launderette will pay off in the long run, and anyway they're good places to meet other single people.
It's true that there's no reason why, because you have a disability, you should restrict yourself just to fancying other disabled people. Moreover, it may be more convenient for you to have someone who can do the things that your impairment prevents you from doing. You may also feel that you need an 'AB' for status, to prove to yourself or others that your attractiveness outweighs your disability. However, by putting off other disabled people, you're putting yourself down. In effect, you're going along with the general attitude that disabled people are second class. So maybe you need to work on your self-esteem.
The important thing in any relationship is the quality of the communication, empathy and erotic spark between the people involved, not their physical condition. Finding a non-disabled partner would only be a temporary solution if status were all you were seeking. If you choose a partner mainly on the basis of appearance, you have to accept that one day they will realise you have nothing in common, take one look at you, apply the same standard to you and leave.
Perhaps the other disabled people you meet are made to feel undesirable by the way you treat them, and thus don't radiate sexiness when they're with you. Give them a chance to do so. Try reading our library book 'Disability: Whose Handicap?' by Anne Shearer (131).
Use your brain and stay alert to what is going on in the relationship, don't be afraid to speak your mind. Disabled people do tend to be more likely to have experienced childhood abuse and if this is the reason you fear it exploitation, seek counselling. Early abuse can make you more vulnerable and less able to stick up for yourself.
Some people fall into the role of victim automatically. If you are constantly finding yourself in situations where you get exploited, ask yourself why. Are you getting something out of it? Do you prefer to suffer so that you get attention through sympathy? Or are you a closet masochist who would do better to find yourself a dominant partner and keep the games strictly to the bedroom, so you can lead a dignified life?
The road to progress leads you from a town called Victim, through a country called Survivor to a land called Thriver.
If you feel weak willed and vulnerable, ask someone else to stand by you - perhaps a friend in Outsiders, to guide you along to ensure you do not get exploited. In the process, try to learn how to stand up for your self.
Some disabled people claim that any relationship they might have with a non-disabled person is bound to be exploitative. Outsiders has seen many such relationships develop and flourish and last a long time, with no hint of exploitation. If any exploitation has occurred, it has been disabled people controlling the non-disabled and denying them their freedom.
There are people who have a liking and/or fetish for disabled people and a relationship with them can be caring and loving, just like any other. It might be strange to be loved particularly because you have a missing limb, a limp or squint, but surely this is no different to being loved for having green eyes or a big nose? And don't fall into the trap of assuming your partner will disappear with the next person he or she sees with the same disability.
To read more about this fetish, see the relevant section towards the end of the chapter 'Up close and Personal'.
Silences needn't be threatening, so don't feel you have to fill in every gap in the conversation. Aim at helping the other person to feel at ease by showing friendly interest in what they say. This creates a 'virtuous circle' (the opposite of a vicious one) - the more they feel you like them, the friendlier they'll be to you and the easier it'll be for you to talk to them.
If you start by asking the other person about their favourite things, you'll eventually find something to talk about that you're both interested in. As a last resort, talk about something you're both not interested in - firm friendship may begin with a mutual loathing of football or Phil Collins!
Come to Outsiders events and practise conversation with other members. Ask them to tell you where you're going wrong. Tackling the problem in an open, relaxed way will help to put it in perspective and make you less tense the next time you have a 'real' conversation.
If you're about to meet or call someone for the first time, write down a list of things to talk about and keep it in your pocket or by the phone. It's best to memorise the list but if your mind suddenly goes blank in the restaurant, you could nip off to the loo to consult your piece of paper.
Become knowledgeable about something. Even if you only study palmistry, that's a good excuse to start holding hands. Keep informed about what'shappening in the world, so you can at least offer an opinion when someone you fancy starts talking about the Chinese economy or September 11th. Intelligence is always attractive, but convincing bullshit is a useful second best.
It's sad but true that an attractive voice talking nonsense has more impact than a dreary voice spouting wisdom. Thankfully this wears thin after a short while but there's no getting away from the fact that a lovely voice is a great asset. So think about getting some training.
You will certainly find it easier to speak to people once you are involved with exciting projects and feel wrapped up in life. One of the problems with making conversation stems from the boredom which comes over from people who do nothing and are bored with life.
Tact is the intelligence of the heart.
There's no nice way of telling someone they're not your type, but a bit of tact and imagination can soften the blow. It might be easier if you actually like them but don't fancy them, and essential that you make this clear before the relationship develops with high hopes on the other side. The important thing is to appear sincere, and never offer obviously feeble excuses that anyone can see through.
Here are some examples of good and bad. Try to use your initiative to think up get-outs which are applicable to your own circumstances. If you manage to deal with the situation well, you may acquire a really good friend.
If you feel that another member's approach (either by letter, phone or in person) was offensive, you'd be doing everyone in Outsiders a favour by letting us know. Then we can explain to the person concerned that such behaviour will get them nowhere, show them how to approach people more adeptly and thus spare other members similar upset and annoyance.
People with cerebral palsy or who've had a stroke may inadvertently dribble. You're right that it can put people off. However, if they fancy you, they may well like your saliva. One of the reasons to kiss someone is to taste their saliva. So don't despair!
Always carry a large, well-laundered, attractive handkerchief and mop your chin in a flamboyant and unashamed way at regular intervals. A conductor of an orchestra isn't ashamed of wiping the sweat from his brow in front of an audience of thousands, and you can enjoy the same freedom. Once people notice that you're aware but not ashamed of your drooling, they won't be put off by it. Have you tried training yourself not to drool by using a palatal training appliance?. Using a vibrator on your face and neck can help tone up your swallowing muscles.
Write down a list of all the people you know, even if none of them are potential boy/girlfriends. And everyone has friends, sisters, aunts, tennis partners, work colleagues, etc. Make it known among them that you'd like some assistance in going out socially.
You can still make arrangements and contribute to the outing so that the other person doesn't feel that they have to do everything. Take responsibility and don't be passive just because you have an impairment. Ask them out to something they'd like to go to, and make it sound like casual fun rather than a formal date.
Then do all the research about access and transport yourself. See Transport, Travel & Holidays in our directory under resources.
One of our members asks a married couple who are accustomed to aiding him to come along on the date. That way, they have a relaxed foursome and the girl doesn't have all the responsibility of taking him out on her own. She can watch the married couple helping him with lifting and feeding, and so will know how to do it herself when the two of them go out alone in future. And she can get to know him in a relaxed situation that doesn't have the underlying sexual tension of most dates.
Social tact is making your company feel at home, even if you wish they were.
Don't worry, we have all been there. Everybody has. What you need to learn is how to cover up afterwards!
Perhaps others say the wrong thing to you, which starts you off. If someone 'politely' introduces himself by saying 'What's wrong with you?', you're quite entitled to reply 'You!' But that's unlikely to spark off a friendly discussion. Far better to be able to explain, for example, 'I'm jerky because of cerebral palsy. I drink with a straw so I don't smash the glass, but I don't usually break other people glasses - can I buy you a drink?'
If someone treats you with less respect than you deserve, they either know what they're doing or they don't. If they don't, they're not aware enough to be sensitive to others and it isn't a personal slight on you. If they do, how are you going to react - give them the pleasure of seeing you get angry, or feel sorry for them and get on with your life?
We have several library books on conversation and social skills. They teach you lots of useful things like how to put yourself in the other person's position and take it easy. Maybe what you feel is the 'wrong thing' is actually the right thing, but put over badly. If you have a serious point to make, lead up to it in a gradual and interesting way. If you just blurt it out, you may come across as provocative or confrontational. When you're nervous, a joke can come out all wrong and seem offensive; or in your nervousness, you may over-compensate in trying to appear confident and make people feel intimidated.
Maybe you're just a bit too serious and 'heavy': if you spend most of your time alone, it's easy to store things up and then pour it all out in a gush of verbal diarrhoea when you've got a captive audience. The more practice you get in having conversations, the more skilful you'll get at gauging the mood of the people you're talking to and learning how to express what you have to say for maximum effect in every situation.
Remember that a good conversation involves listening and empathising. If you show interest and concern for other people, they'll like you more and will make it easier for you to communicate with them.
People are often afraid of getting involved with a person with a disability, and you'll probably have more disappointments than most. All the more reason to learn, practice and be very sure of yourself. Try not to become cynical. Take time off for yourself and discuss your disappointments with disabled friends who've experienced similar heartaches.
While people who've been disabled since birth have usually come to terms with their bodies by the time they reach adulthood, those who are suddenly disabled or had an accident may need to work on accepting their altered circumstances. A counsellor who has personal experience of disability could help.
A positive way forward is to learn a new skill which suits your capabilities. For example, Outsiders co-founder, Nigel Verbeek who lost his sight, took up massage and broadcasting. Having lost most of his zoomy old friends, he gained a lovely new set of friends who accepted him, many of these he met through his new interests. Channel 4 have a database of disabled people who want to work in the media. Send your CV to them at: 124 Horseferry Road, London SW1P 2TX. Tel: 020 7306 8125 or textphone 0207 306 8691.
Even in these more integrated times, a lot of folk still haven't met many disabled people, and may be unsure how to react - in a well-meaning effort to show their 'sensitivity', they may overdo the friendliness and come across as patronising or pitying. It's up to you to educate them. A bit of earthy humour and good-natured flirting will show them that you're not the sexless 'victim' that they may prefer to think. If you ignore your disability and rarely refer to it when you're with others, they'll soon take the hint and no longer see it as a big deal.
One way of deflecting pity is to 'get your retaliation in first' and ask people about their problems and feelings. This is a good way of throwing off balance anyone who approaches you with a 'Helping the Handicapped' do-goody expression on their face. If you don't know them well, ask them if they're warm enough, or tell them they look tired and ask if they're OK. If the pitying look is extreme, give them a beaming smile and offend them by daring to be disabled and happy!
Be inspired by all the wonderful people who've lived with disability and been admired for themselves - Beethoven, President F.D.Roosevelt, Toulouse-Lautrec, Matisse, Stevie Wonder, Ian Drury, Evelyn Glennie, Stephen Hawkings. In their different ways, all these people had something to offer the rest of humanity, and your disability won't matter if you can entertain, interest or offer something unique to other people. 'Dead' time spent waiting for a lift, social services or your GP can be used to gather amusing or thought-provoking knowledge from books or magazines. If you always have something interesting or amusing to tell people, they'll be more likely to associate you with your brain than your wheelchair.
If anyone at the back can't hear me, don't raise your hands as I'm short-sighted - WH Auden at a lecture.
Put others at ease if they find it hard to understand you. People may feel awkward if they can't communicate with you easily, and withdraw from the conversation out of embarrassment rather than impatience. If you can smile and not take your struggles too seriously, the other person will warm to you and be more ready to let you speak at your own pace. See library book no. 149.
If you use a micro computer or other gadget to communicate, you'll find that most people will enjoy the novelty of using the machine, and will be keen to talk to you. Even a pen and paper can be fun. The task of having to think quickly and express thoughts in a few words will sharpen your mind and make you even more interesting to talk to. Carry some finger alphabet charts around for people to learn from - or leaflets on whatever system you use.
Learn to communicate with your face - flirting and connecting, to establish bonds with people you're attracted to.
Note to other members: Please find time to learn Bright Sign Language so we don't exclude deaf people from our conversations.
Stuttering is what you do trying not to stutter - Wendell Johnson.
Your stammer is part of you, and if people like you they'll accept it. Don't use it as an excuse for your failures in life. Start to take responsibility for yourself and you'll be amazed: even your speech may improve.
Although it's an impairment that you'll have to overcome yourself, you may find it useful to have some guidance and support. If you haven't had any speech therapy since childhood, try again: your therapist will also be able to put you in touch with local self-help groups where you'll meet potential partners who'll understand your problem.
The British Stammering Association at 15 Old Ford Road, London E2 9PJ. Tel: 020 8983 1003 is Europe's biggest self-help group for people who stammer, and £10 annual membership will bring you a free quarterly magazine - 'Speaking Out', advice on speech therapy, a postal library of books and tapes, contacts with other local members and groups. They hold occasional Open Days around the country. They also publish two excellent books, 'To the Stutterer', which is an anthology of advice from speech therapists who are stutterers themselves and 'Self-Therapy for the Stutterer' by Malcolm Fraser. Their helpline is 0845 603 2001.
Many people who stammer have chronically low self-esteem, and you may find it helpful to read books such as 'Creative Visualisation' by Shakti Gawain (no.466 in our library) or 'Pulling Your Own Strings' by Wayne Dyer (174). Learn to speak up for yourself, and ask at your local library for details on assertiveness evening classes run by your local authority. Think of the asking as Lesson 1, even if you have to write it down!
The City Lit Centre for Deaf People
& Speech Therapy
runs special intensive courses on assertiveness training for people who
stammer,
along with more general daytime and evening sessions of speech therapy. For further information, contact them
at: Keeley House, Keeley Street, London WC2B 4BA. Tel.(speech therapy) 020 7492 2578 or 020 7492 2579
-- (centre for deaf people) Phone: 020 7492 2725 Minicom: 020 7492 2747.
email: (centre for deaf people)
[email protected]
--
While you may have to accept that you'll never be 'cured', there are little tricks which may help you to be more fluent in certain situations. 'Funny voices' and foreign accents take the pressure off you by avoiding the stuttering voice you're depressingly familiar with and making you sound (and feel) like someone else (one reason why so many actors and entertainers are 'closet' stammerers who still have fluency problems 'offstage' - Bruce Willis, for example). Other famous stammerers devised speech patterns which became their passport to fame and fortune, such as Winston Churchill's slurred growl and Marilyn Monroe's breathy giggle. Whispering also works for many people, especially as it's a good excuse for getting close to those you fancy!
The McGuire Programme intensive speech therapy for stammering. It's run by ex-stammerer Dave McGuire, who allegedly cured himself. Some free places are available on courses to people who can show the necessary motivation. Part of the course deals with becoming desensitised to your stammer, and Dave and his students are sometimes seen braving the hecklers at Speakers Corner in Hyde Park! Details from Bernadette Bailey, PO Box 1081, Nailsea, Blackwell, Bristol BS48 3YJ. Freephone 0800 694 0399.
If you stutter quite openly with people and find it more of an irritation than a source of shame, ask a speech therapist to teach you the technique of 'easy stammering.' This means that you stammer 'fluently', without the blocks, tension and facial grimaces that tend to accompany a stutter. If you hate your stammer and prefer to stay silent than speak imperfectly, take a pen and paper with you everywhere.
Recognise that while you may not be able to control the way you speak, you can learn to control the way you react to it. Learning Yoga, meditation or other relaxation techniques can defuse much of the fear and anxiety that surround your stammer and help you become more detached from it (see Stress Management in our directory).
Though you may feel that you're afraid of other people's reaction to your stammering, perhaps what you're really afraid of is your own reaction to their reaction: you know you'll feel bad if they laugh at you. You can never guarantee that people will treat you sympathetically, but you can learn not to feel angry or self-hating if they don't.
Pause and make a little joke at your own expense when you get stuck in a conversation, you'll find that the tension will dissolve and the other person will warm to you more: in turn, this will make for a friendlier atmosphere in which you'll find it easier to be fluent. Tell people what you want them to do when you get stuck - some stammerers hate having people finish their sentences for them, while others find it a relief.
Don't go through life in a state of constant anxiety about your 'secret' being discovered. Being open and honest attracts like-minded people who will be more interested in what you say than in how you say it.
See also The Stutterer's Survival Guide by Nicholas Tunbridge (no.472 in our library).
Many disabled people need devices in order to breathe, move, sleep, speak, etc. Explain to people they are essential and never allow vanity to stop you using your device as normal when socialising or going out on a first date.
Introduce your device to potential friends and lovers as something which is a solution, not a problem. Make your device as friendly-looking as possible: an extension of yourself.
Assuming your date has already accepted your disability, what makes you think that your device might put them off? You have got to find a way to incorporate your device into your flirtations, sex or whatever else you do on dates: just treat it all as fun. For example, if you need a breathing machine in bed, treat it as a friend, introduce it to your new lover and tell them if they want a kiss, just remove the mask!
Please either come to an Outsiders lunch so we can put a finger on what you are doing. Ask the others at the lunch, don't assume that the answer will be delivered to you on a plate!
If this is not possible, it would be really helpful to ask the next person you have this effect on. What is it that you are doing?
One way to help the person you are with feel relaxed is to mimic their body language and try to spend time on the same level physically.
Look interested by looking into their eyes and leaning forward, but never crowd them so that they feel claustrophobic and hemmed in.
If at all possible, be physical without being sexual, by holding them in a reassuring way, stroking them softly and keeping close. Check they are happy with this and stop at any sign that they don't like it.
If you find yourself getting nervous, refrain from fidgeting, jiggling one knee, developing a nervous tic or talking gibberish. Simply explain that you feel nervous and discuss ways you might overcome your nerves.
Relax and present yourself as you really are, rather than how you think you should be or what you think would impress. Here are some general guidelines:
Forget Hollywood. You don't need to look or be anything but yourself although a little glamour can put you in a better mood and lift you out of the humdrum. Don't assume you need a ton of make-up, sickly perfume or aftershave, or new clothes. Just be clean and have a good hair cut. Ask the person what you will be doing and what sort of clothes would be suitable.
Ask them what you need to bring: eg. specs if you're shortsighted and going to watch a film, money if you're going to pay your way, a picnic if you're going to the forest and you have a special diet.
Ask them when you are likely to be back home.
If the answers to these questions are not to your liking, say so and if the person won't adapt, cancel the date.
Be ready on time.
Don't keep going to the toilet to phone mother.
Don't bring mother.
Whatever you feel like, try to be cheerful and full of fun, otherwise you may not be invited again.
If you feel nervous or self-conscious, say so.
If the deal turns out to be that you get a meal in return for sex, say you don't consider that to be a fair exchange and ask to be taken home.
If you both fancy each other and the date gets passionate, try to take things easy. Talk as well as kiss. Keeping the channels of verbal communication open are important because your partner may have hidden disabilities that they may want to mention before you discover them in your enthusiasm to explore. Saying that you care for the person and asking them if everything is OK will prevent recriminations. If it gets that far, remember always have safe sex.
Use your usual manners. If you enjoy yourself, thank the person for taking you out. If you didn't enjoy yourself, say you are sorry, but not again thank you.
If the person doesn't call you and you want to see them again, call them. They might be feeling too nervous or felt you didn't like them enough. If they sound cool, they have probably found somebody else.
This could be the beginning of a new adventure, love affair, marriage. Make the most of it!
Taking someone out requires preparation, so the two of you have maximum fun with minimum effort. Mistakes people seem to make are very basic: taking someone out in the car and getting lost, inviting them for a 'meal' which they can't afford and ending up having a cheese sandwich in a cafe, arriving early, arriving drunk, or (worst of all) forgetting to arrive at all. Most of these gaffes are caused by nerves. If you plan carefully, things will usually go well and your date will see you as competent, worldly and generous. Most important of all, they'll want to see you again.
Be imaginative and yet keep things simple. Double check that your date is happy with what is going on and offer to take them home at any time.
Entertaining at home has its benefits and drawbacks - your date may find it dull or they may enjoy the cosiness; they may like being far from the madding crowd, or they may find the vicinity of the bedroom door too threatening at this early stage in your friendship and prefer to meet on neutral ground. Guys: women may fear that they're being lured to your boudoir so that you can pounce on them, so tell her that you'll wait for her to pounce first! Make a special effort to serve some nice food and drinks, play music that your guest likes, light candles and incense and put the emphasis on relaxation and pleasure.
If your arrangements seem to be working out badly, just relax and talk to your date. If things get disastrous, make a joke about it - have either a great time or a hilariously awful one, but have a laugh anyway. If you have fun and enjoy each other's company, the date will have been a great success whatever else happened.
If your date seems to be hard work, check out why. If they are just not interested, but see you as a distraction from their boring lives, you need to know. If they are nervous of getting involved, you can help them. Accept that everyone lies to avoid causing offence.
Get your priorities right. If finding a partner is your dream, then spend your money on things that will fulfil that aim. Spend it on phone calls and stamps, on joining clubs and agencies, and getting involved with hobbies and events where the right sort of people go.
Cut down on other expenses for the time being: don't spend money on your home, hobbies which shut you away on your own, or interests which involve meeting unfanciable people. Spend book money on self-help tomes rather than another escapist romance or thriller.
The search for a partner doesn't have to be an expensive series of nights in bars and restaurants. If you have little money, there are scores of dirt-cheap, fun ways to meet people if you use your imagination. Read our library book no. 251, 'The Cheap Date Handbook - The Complete Guide to Successful Inexpensive Dating' or 'The Freeloader's Guide to London'.
With little money, you can go to museums and art galleries with free admission, have a picnic in the park or eat at a home.
If you're a man and you've invited a woman out, assume that you'll be paying for everything, and make sure you've got enough money to cover all eventualities - if the date goes well, the two of you may decide to go on to somewhere else and need bus fares, for example. Women can certainly take men on dates - this is an especially good idea if the man is new to the area or less experienced.
'Going Dutch' is currently popular, and it's great if you can discuss paying the bill without embarrassment or either of you feeling the other is being too polite or too mean. Money is always a tricky area. Nobody wants to be thought of as stingy, but neither should you break the bank trying to impress.