I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That's deep enough. What do you want - an adorable pancreas? Jean Kerr
Funny quote but quite untrue. Attraction works on many levels. Spots, sores and skin blemishes cause discomfort and self-consciousness, but it's really up to you whether you allow that to spoil your fun. Other people rarely notice or get turned off by them. Some will even find them attractive.
Once someone you are fond of has expressed how attractive you are, you may realise that spots are no big deal and beauty is more than skin deep. Making people laugh or feel good, will make you seem attractive.
To give yourself more confidence, keep your skin and hair clean and the rest of you immaculate. Then there is no chance that people will associate your spots with lack of hygiene. Don't spend hours applying make-up or try to cover up. Relax!
If the heat in a room bothers you, you've got a genuine excuse to invite your companion to 'come outside'! Insist on sitting in cool places, carry a stylish fan to waft yourself seductively with, and remember that getting a reputation for being permanently hot is sexier than the alternative!
Try everything you can to clear your skin up, from changing the washing powder you use or the fabrics you wear to increasing your exposure to sunlight.
There are societies for mutual self-help, and organisations supplying support, advice and social outlets. These are listed in the directory under Skin Disorders.
Don't allow your skin condition to stop you mixing with people. However bad it looks and feels to you, people will think you are strong if you appear to ignore it by enjoying life to the full.
I like my body when it is with your body. E E Cummings
Everyone has physical peculiarities of some kind, and these are the very things that people grow most fond of when they love you.
Accepting your body is something most people have to work at, by spending time looking at yourself, being kind to yourself and working up a positive attitude. If this all sounds too tiresome, buy one of those mirrors which is designed to flatter, or just avoid looking in the mirror unless it's absolutely necessary, and get on with life regardless.
You may find it helpful to know that strippers don't have perfect bodies: they come in all shapes and sizes and have spots and wrinkles just like everybody else. What they do have, however, are skills in displaying their best bits and connecting with their audience. If you come across as someone who cherishes even a tiny part of your body, you can ingeniously distract people from the rest of you and seduce them into your arms. Reading Exhibitionism for the Shy by Carol Queen would help you understand. It's in our library.
If you're worried about the size of your sexual bits, calm down. Sex organs come in all delightful shapes and sizes and, despite what you hear, lots of people like small, many people like big and others like medium. Most people aren't fussy.
Find a friend in Outsiders with whom you can have an honest, down-to-earth relationship, and discuss any worries or embarrassments. Once you get used to talking about your problem, it won't seem so daunting to talk about it openly with a girlfriend or boyfriend.
Some people find that they can 'reclaim' their body as something which they have some control over and be proud of by getting a tattoo or piercing. This might be too drastic a step for you to consider and perhaps you can find your own way of getting to the same place. You only have one body so you might as well enjoy it!
If you are due to have an operation which will alter your physical appearance, have no qualms about requesting that the surgeon aims at the best looking result. Never be ashamed to spell out to your doctors that you're sexually active (or want to be) so that they take this into account during surgery or treatment. Disabled women often get fobbed off with little gynaecological attention. If you're embarrassed to tell your GP because you share him/her with your parents, ask to see another one instead.
Are the things you dislike about your body only visible once you take your clothes off? Don't give a new partner a surprise once you get naked together for the first time. Make sure you explain the situation to them in advance. Sit them down and tell them you have something to say. Explain how you feel and explain that you will need to be very brave to undress in front of them. Ask for their support. If appropriate, give them something to read about your impairment if it is something like an ostomy. Allow your potential lover time to take it all in, and try to bring humour into the equation. Laughter is the best cover for embarrassment.
Remember that human beings will accept almost anything and never expect perfection. There will be those who take one look and run but they are the exception rather than the rule and these are the weak people you can happily live without.
This may sound crass but you may prefer to make friends with people who are visually impaired to start with. The confidence and self-esteem you get from happy friendships with them may then help you to become brave enough to widen your circle.
Part of this bravery will involve finding a way to cope with the initial shock that people will always register at seeing you. Whatever you do is likely to embarrass them, but try to minimise the embarrassment by not being aggressive: screeching 'You're no oil painting yourself, mush!' or 'Yes, I escaped!'
Perhaps sticking your tongue out (if you have one!) is a pleasantly childish, harmless and humourous reaction to show that you're a human being with feelings and would prefer to be left in peace or made friends with. Or try winking at them, or smiling - find your own way to acknowledge their discomfort and break the ice.
Get to know people by letter and phone before meeting them. Tell them about your appearance gently. Then you will be accepted as a human being rather than regarded as 'disfigured.'
There are groups for support, listed under Disfigurement in our directory.
Some short men are very successful at attracting women. Aristotle Onassis and Dudley Moore, for example, who had plenty of confidence. If you constantly brood about your lack of inches, what will put women off is your self-consciousness and self-dislike rather than your height. Throughout history, short men have been famous for being popular lovers amongst demanding women such as Catherine the Great of Russia. We have a hypothesis to explain this: you have more testosterone per body weight.
Since you're never going to be any taller, learn to accept and like yourself as you are and don't try to compensate. Forget stacked heels and never flash vulgar wads of money about.
If you feel more confident with people of around the same height, you might be better seeking out relationships with them. The Restricted Growth Association, P.O.Box 8, Countesthorpe, Leicester LE8 5ZS. Tel. 0116 247 8913, organises social contacts and activities and can also refer you for counselling. Membership currently costs £15 a year.
On the other hand, some short men prefer the big, dominant-type partners. If you do, then admit your tastes publicly, and you'll attract these kind of people to you. Go along to a club for large ladies or try a fetish club.
Make sure you have a better joke about ladders than everybody else!
Stay, the night is long and you are enormous. OLD PROVERB
Being a 'gentle giant' isn't necessarily easy: it makes you feel awkward and mixing with other people can be tricky as you may constantly feel you are taking up too much space. Other people don't understand and say stupid things to make you feel even worse.
Develop delicacies about your appearance. You need to do this in a way which suits you but here are some examples:
Try to make the most of the way you are and be comfortable about it all, so other people relax and accept you. Many small people are attracted to big people as 'protectors', so use this to your advantage.
Learning to be consciously aware of your movements in everyday life is variety of meditation which might help you to become more graceful. The Buddhist tradition of Vipassana especially focuses on this, and there are many books and weekend retreats on the subject. The Vipassana Centre, Dhamma Dipa, Harewood End, Hereford, HR2 8JS, Tel - 01989 730 234 organises retreats where food, lodging and instruction are free, with donations optional.
Don't stoop - be big and proud, and learn to ignore the ignorant comments - try to have a good response up your sleeve.
SIZE is a national size acceptance network with its own newsletter listing events. Suite 147, 56 Gloucester Road, London SW7 4UB, tel 020 7700 0509 e-mail [email protected].
Muscle-building ads and photos of buxom women in magazines may have influenced you and made you crave for a more shapely physique. However, lots of people adore thin men and women. Once someone falls in love with you, let's hope you'll relax and enjoy life as a beanpole - but how can you survive till then?
Choose clothes that flatter your slimness. Tight jeans and tube dresses look sexy on slim bodies. Don't bother with weight-lifting or muscle-building exercise unless you enjoy it - far better to play a sport where you'll meet people and start enjoying yourself.
There are many advantages of being thin. For one thing, our society is much less sympathetic towards people who are overweight. And the fact that you have more skin per pound than average makes you that little bit more touch-sensitive.
All the things I really like doing are either immoral, illegal or fattening Alexander Woolcote
Some people are naturally shapely, and the sensible ones have decided to enjoy it. When people make remarks about your size and try to persuade you to slim down (assuming you could), have your answers ready - there's more of you to get hold of, more of you to love. Tell people you're not a secret eater, you lead an active life but you're a big person nevertheless.
Don't use your weight as an excuse to become a slob and remember that excess fat puts a strain on the heart and makes you liable to many illnesses such as diabetes.
Take regular exercise and keep a sensible diet. Set yourself physical goals, like walking instead of taking the bus, or wheeling yourself at a faster rate in your wheelchair rather than using the car or taxi. Humans need 30 minutes of brisk physical activity which makes you out of breath, five times a week. Remember to eat fresh fruit or veg five times a day, and no cake, sweets or biscuits. If you're very overweight, consult with your GP before starting any exercise regime.
Take pride in your appearance so that people can't assume that your weight is part of a general 'couldn't care less' attitude towards yourself. 1647 is a catalogue and shop selling stylish women's clothes for size 16 and over (the shop's name comes from the fact that 47% of women fall into this category). It was partly set up by Dawn French, who is herself a role model in being voluptuous and attractive.
You can get help, support, guidance and encouragement from one of the groups listed in our directory under Eating Disorders.
The nationwide dating agency Plump Partners caters for overweight people and their admirers: 01352 715 909. If you're seeking a partner, take advantage of the fact that many perfectly nice men prefer fat women. Though you may be offended by the idea, there are porn magazines such as Big & Fat whose success show how many men find large ladies a turn-on.
Remember the story of the fat girl edging through a crowded pub when she accidentally nudges another girl's drink. 'Fat cow!' the girl says angrily. 'Well,' the fat girl smiles sweetly, 'it's a good job you don't have to rely on your personality to attract men, isn't it?'
Ugly ducklings do not become beautiful swans, just confident ducks. Maeve Binchy
Most people, especially the most beautiful, see themselves in the mirror as unattractive. People acquire an even lower self image after they have been rejected or gone through a break-up, or if their partner always puts them down. If you feel ugly, get your friends to tell you what they think you look like, as they will remind you how lovely you really are.
We offered some solutions when we discussed skin problems but more issues are discussed here.
Just a reminder: try to forget how you look, or how you perceive you look: have fun and get on with life. Make the very most of yourself. Have your hair styled or keep it natural and clean, look well-groomed and sexy. Well manicured nails, soft clothing and a sense of fun do wonders. The most unattractive people who are busy, seem attractive.
Make sure your teeth are sparkling, your mouth fresh. Smoking is not a good idea if you are looking for a partner: it makes your teeth black, your mouth and clothes stink and fills the air around you with carcinogenic fumes.
Taking a fresh step into the world and presenting yourself as a sexy person who holds your head in the air and looks people in the eye, will transform you into an attractive person.
Do you know the difference between a beautiful woman and a charming woman? A beauty is a woman you notice; a charmer is a woman who notices you. Adlai Stevenson
Psychiatrists are now recognising a disorder called Body Dysmorphia or BDD which makes people obsessed with minor or imagined defects in personal appearance, and can lead to extreme withdrawal from social contact. If you fall into that category, ask friends what they think, and learn to trust their replies. The book The Broken Mirror - Understanding and Treating Body Dysmorphic Disorder is published by MIND.
Beauty truly shines from within. All bodies age and change with time, and the key to happiness is to enjoy and look after yours without thinking of it as all there is to you. Most people look back at photos of themselves when younger and sigh with regret. They think, 'I used to be so fresh/cute/nice-looking/pretty but I always thought of myself as ugly. What a waste of time all that self-hatred was!'. Try not to let that happen to you.
People with visual impairment may need friends to tell them what clothes and styles suit them. The volunteers at Outsiders are always willing to voice an opinion. Contacting other disabled men or women may help you inspire each other and build the confidence you need. Action for Blind People Information Centre has a leaflet called Beauty Sense with hair and make-up tips for people with a visual impairment. Address: 14-16 Verney Road, London. SE16 3DZ. Tel: 020 7732 8771. E-mail: [email protected].
One of our members who is both visually and hearing impaired is the most beautifully dressed at our parties. Her clothes look sensuous because she selects fabrics which feel soft and sexy. Take a lesson from her. If you wear something that feels nice, you will feel happier and people will want to touch you.
Some people are naturally more self-conscious than others. Try not to be ashamed by the hand life has dealt you. Your shame is probably causing you a bigger disability than the impairment itself.
Maybe your 'shame' is really a kind of polite anger? If you've been brought up to 'accept' your disability, you may never have really come to terms with the resentment you may feel about it. Talking to other members at Outsiders or other disabled people might help you to get a more positive slant on disability, and perhaps join the disability movement. Another alternative is to use a counsellor to see through this 'shame' and move on in life. Some forms of meditation can help you to be less identified with your body, so that you cease to see the imperfect outer shell as 'you'.
Are you conditioned through your upbringing or background to be ashamed, and full of self-hatred? Outsiders had a member whose mother won't be seen out with him because of her embarrassment. Isn't that ridiculous - being ashamed of your own son? If you can laugh at that, perhaps you can now laugh at yourself - the self you know, experience and live with every day? Surely you should be used to yourself by now? Until you love yourself, no-one else can.
Yes! is a disability magazine for positive thinking. £18 a year from Yes! Publishing, 36 Avenue Road, Hartlepool TS24 8AT.
Come to Outsiders events and mix with everyone else - you'll see we have no shame!