Until you know your way round town or the singles market, it's a daunting task selecting a club, especially when you don't have much money or fear ridicule from members of the public. Special interest clubs are much easier because everyone is getting on with something. If you're male and desperate to meet a woman, join a club which takes you on outings to stately homes and gardens. If you want to go dancing, there are all kinds of dances and dance classes available in even the smallest towns.
If you want to chance your luck at nightlife, read on.
Many night clubs, especially in London, have a different scene each night of the week, attracting a totally different crowd with their own music and dress style. Record shops stock flyers to point you in the right direction.
The number of wheelchair accessible nightclubs and bars increases by the year, thanks to planning regulations on new buildings. You can get a copy of Artsline's list by calling them on 020 7388 2227 and Graeme Parker at www.scope.org.uk. has produced a list of accessible bars and clubs which is called Left Out available from www.scope.org.uk, Market Road, London N7 or on www.scope.org.uk.
Wine Bars and pubs are becoming increasingly noisy, crowded and lookist, and not very pleasant for people with visual, hearing or mobility impairments and those of small stature.
There is a London club called The Last Great Taboo which puts on disability friendly clubs and gigs in London in various venues. You can reach them by email on [email protected].
The Outsiders big fund-raising event, the night of the senses and Erotic Awards attract disabled people because they ensure that the event as disability friendly as possible. They also publish a booklet called Book of Delights which is given to all guests, which explains how to socialise with people with disabilities. It might be useful for you to read what it says in the relevant part of the booklet:
Our venues are always wheelchair accessible although sadly night clubs situated in older buildings have not all been built to accommodate guests with access needs. If you have a specific access requirement, let us know in advance by post, or else stop off at the Hospitality Desk to alert the hosts/ hostesses and stewards to your needs.
There are always disabled loos and ramps and/or stewards to help you, but we prefer to know what you want in advance so we can maximise our assistance. If you experience any difficulties with other guests, please indicate this assertively to the stewards, who have been trained. If certain side-shows exclude you, we would like to be informed. We do try to make sure that 'peep holes' are at various heights so as not the exclude wheelchair-users and people of small stature. We also try to cater for people with visual and hearing impairments, yet this can prove difficult unless we have prior requests, to accommodate all needs in all formats. We apologise and appreciate your feedback so we can work to improve our facilities to our disabled guests and make the Ball more enjoyable for you next year.
We feel strongly that you should have all the support we can offer to ensure, for instance, you are not stuck out in the cold waiting for a taxi to get home. Please let the door staff and stewards know if you are experiencing any difficulties of any kind, and discuss ways of overcoming them.
Awareness
Some Ball and Awards guests may never, or have rarely mixed socially with people with disabilities, and the Ball provides opportunities to do so. Enjoy challenging any prejudices you may still have!
Just like everyone else, disabled people wish to be treated with respect and understanding - not pity or brazen curiosity. Just like any individual, disabled people need their own space but, because of society's ingrained prejudices, they ask for a little extra awareness.
Listen and think before you make assumptions. Many disabilities are hidden. Someone may lack physical balance or articulate speech - don't assume this person is drunk. Someone may look 'fit' but need to rest - and so on. Try not to question or judge a disabled person's request or needs.
Wheelchair-users may need much more space than you would imagine to move and turn. Don't assume they can see your feet if you don't move aside to let them pass! Don't crowd or hem them in: this can be disorienting and threatening, and may even cause injury - beware!
Here are a few things that people with physical disabilities and disfigurement are often confronted with when out socialising, as a result of prejudice and embarrassment felt by others:
- People stare
You may have not seen disabled people enjoying an erotic environment before but gaping at them is incredibly rude. Don't do it. Be delighted but don't invade the person's space. You would hate to experience this yourself - blank open-mouthed gaping will make a disabled person feel like a circus freak. Don't spoil their fun.
- People shun
When you meet disabled people, relate to them as people and be relaxed about their disabilities - it is merely one aspect of what it means to be a human being. It may take time for you to overcome discomfort, so if you blunder, apologise. That's better than insulting or pushing your attentions on someone with a disability.
People may feel afraid of getting sexually and/or emotionally involved with disabled people, presuming that an expression of sexual desire will render them 'lumbered'. This is bollocks! Disabled people are as picky and discriminating as everyone else and, frankly, you should be so lucky!
Sensitive people may get confused and fear that, if they show their true affection or lust they will be considered exploitative. Don't worry. Allow the person with the disability to make up their own mind. Disabled people and non-disabled people have always formed friendships and lasting sexual relationships. Don't believe the negative hype! If you see disability as a block to forming relationships, you are yourself 'disabled' by society's obsession with status and appearance. Resist following the herd!
Outsiders and the Ball exist to break down the prejudices that surround disability, sexuality and gender.
- People ask incredibly personal questions
You would not like strangers asking you personal, and often banal questions, as if you are a worn-out tourist attraction or museum exhibit. This is what commonly happens to disabled people when they are out and about.
By all means take an interest in the disability movement where disable people are learning to define who they are - and speak and act for themselves. But don't bore, or insult disabled people by asking them 'what's wrong with them' or whether or not they can feel anything 'down there', or whether they can 'do it'. Such questions are disrespectful and inappropriate.
For the record, disabled people experience and satisfy their sexual selves in a myriad of wildly imaginative ways! That is when society doesn't cramp their style! Outsiders provides one important channel.
- People assume they can be intimate
One of the most disturbing challenges disabled people encounter when they are going about their daily business or socialising, is that they get smothered with unwanted affection, kissing and touching or otherwise invading their space. It's an unwelcome kind of compensation for the guilt and fears society has about disability, and expresses the embarrassment an individual may have when meeting a disabled person.
Whatever the reasons, it is offensive and highly unpleasant to be on the receiving end. So please, never do it.
We hope you find this extract useful in your own life. Some Outsiders members attend the Ball others find it's not to their taste, but at least it is a way to keep Outsiders afloat and pay for volunteers' travel, etc.
12 Acklam Road, London W10, 020 8961 5490;
Off Liverpool Road at 15 Parkfield Street, Islington, tel 020 7288 1986;
67-68 Albert Embankment, tel 020 7735 5590;
Goods Way Depot, off York Way, London N1, tel 020 7837 0828;
103 Gaunt Street, London SE1, 020 7378 6528;
256 Old Street, London EC1, tel 020 7251 6136;
Wick Road, Victoria Park, London E9, tel 020 8985 9479.
Wheelchair access won't solve the social difficulties of being in a wheelchair. People may be friendly towards you - chat and smile, dance, flirt and make friends. If you don't want it to end there, and fear sexual rejection or exploitation, try to open up some kind of conversation which necessitates, or leads to further communication. Take their phone number and Don't Lose It! Don't hang around looking sad, dance alone or go and explore the club more.
When it comes to copping off, most disabled men find themselves left high and dry. However much you make out that your disability makes you a more interesting lover, you will probably only get sensation-seekers taking you up on your offer. Never regard a night at a club as a failure because you left alone. If you don't enjoy clubbing, don't suffer all that loud music and crowds in the hope of a screw. Find a better way to meet women.
Women are usually chatted up but may feel nervous about copping off in case they are dumped afterwards. This, of course, happens to all women but non-disabled women might be in a better position to walk home/call a cab/get down the stairs, etc. Best take his phone number and call up a few days later in the hope of a date.
Fun as they might be, nightclubs are 'lookist', and generally not places where longterm relationships begin.
Most disabled people in the Club go out on their own - even hitch-hike allover the country and travel abroad in wheelchairs. If you really want to go out, you can.
Some car owners in the Club are willing to take disabled members out - contact the Outsiders Office and we'll try to put you in touch. There are also voluntary organisations which can provide drivers - call up your localDial-a-Ride scheme or DIAL helpline. The Disabled Persons Transport Advisory Committee travel guide for disabled people has been developed to give disabled people information about transport and advice about travelling using all forms of transport.
There are now ramped, wheelchair accessible buses in many towns and cities. Most of these have benches for resting on and even white 'tapping-boards' to guide visually-impaired people. In London, call the London Transport Disabled Passengers Unit and ask for the 'Low Floor Buses' guide on 020 7918 3312, and ring London Travel Information on 020 7222 1234 for the actual bus timetables that interest you. Outside London, contact your disability association or ring local transport authorities to see what is available.
If you're truly housebound, make your home an enjoyable place to visit so that others are keen to pop in and see you. Invite people round for a drink, a meal and a video - make it an interesting experience for them, so they will want to come back again or even return the hospitality, either in their own home or 'out and about.'
One tetraplegic member refuses to be taken out by people he doesn't know because he says that he needs very careful lifting from his wheelchair into the car, as his testicles need to be checked in case he's sitting on them. Men with T11-S1 lesions can feel pain in the testicles even though they don't feel touches on the scrotum, and men with a lesion of T10 and above can't feel their testicles at all and need to be careful not to crush them if they wish to stay fertile.
There are ways round these problems. You can wear supportive underpants, devise a sling lift, or get a van into which your chair can be wheeled; or, more simply, you can just ask drivers if your balls are OK!
If you have a real phobia about being handled by other people, then plan your life so that you're independent - socialise locally so that you can use your own electric chair and be ready to explain your problems, so people aren't offended by having their offers of help declined.
Make a simple list of 'Do's & Don'ts' on the ways you want to be helped, and give a copy to people before they call for you. This will save time on explanations, and maybe spare embarrassment for both of you. Most people have little idea of the daily obstacles and irritations you may have to face, and it's up to you to educate them. If people aren't told, you can't blame them for being ignorant.
Have you tried all methods of bladder control? Your local Urological Assessment Clinic can advise and your district nurse or GP will tell you where it is. If you need to use an appliance, the Disabled Living Foundation has an extensive range of aids (see our Equipment and Aids page in our directory). SANS entails sending a mild electric current through a fine needle inserted near a nerve bundle near the ankle: the stimulation is carried to the sacral nerves that control bladder function. In the USA, this has been found to reduce symptoms in 80% of patients. For details call 0800 917 7267.
307 Hatton Square, 16 Baldwins Gardens, London EC1N 7RJ. 0845 345 0165 (helpline 9.30-4.30, Mon-Fri).
Write to: United House, North Road, London. N7 9DP, Tel: 0870 770 3246 Fax: 0870 770 3249 [email protected].
Urine only begins to smell unpleasant after several hours, so a tiny leak doesn't really matter so long as you don't sit on it all day. Drink less fluid before going out or doing what shouldn't be interrupted (e.g. sex) if you want to keep dry. For a comprehensive guide on stain removal, go to www.persil.co.uk.
Solving this problem may require perseverance and a resilient sense of humour, but your life will be transformed when you can finally go out and enjoy yourself with confidence.
I have experienced so much verbal abuse. In the past year, someone has shouted 'flid' at me across the street, I have been spat at on the tube, and a group of girls in a Brixton nightclub told me I should have been killed at birth. -- Mat Fraser
The public's attitude towards disabled people can be appalling. Disabled people have to put up with inappropriate affection (arms flung around you, kissing, and intimate questions), people bumping into you, crowding you, staring, pointing and children crying or laughing at you. Not a great way to venture through the world. What's needed is a tough exterior and a suave response. The royal wave could see trouble makers off, bow to gawpers, and if people won't get out of your way, put your hand out for a donation and that will get rid of them fast enough.
Don't be afraid to get angry in defence, but remember that things can only improve with education. When you get home, write a letter to the local newspaper to complain about how you get treated, and explain how you would LIKE to be treated.
Wear a Walkman, dark glasses and a huge boa or scarf to shield yourself from Jo Public. Remember that People, if not Public are mostly extremely nice.
You are not weird: you are special. Take pride in the fact that Jo Public would dare venture out into the street, and this in itself makes you a star.
Explain that your facial muscles don't work, and make lots of jokes so that people get used to your deadpan expression. Try to express mirth in some form or other. No doubt you have your own way of signalling your emotions, and you have to make sure that new people you meet understand what these are.
Express the cheerful aspect of your personality in the things that surround you, for example, what you wear, such as T-shirts with funny slogans.
If you cannot speak either, use your communication device or write notes explaining that you cannot smile.
Panic attacks and irrational fear are expressed as hot and cold sweats, rapid breathing, palpitations, dizziness and tiredness. Phobias are very common indeed - over 200 have been identified (including Phobophobia, fear of fear!), and it's estimated that Britain has about 4 million sufferers, many of whom keep their fears secret.
Most people need to go out, so you have to find a way to cope and a partner who is understanding. Some people find that once they have found a partner, the problem disappears or becomes less threatening.
Going out with a sympathetic friend can help - there's some kind of safety in numbers, and it's nice to have an arm to clutch for support if you have a turn.
Practice going out and take things gradually - start off by going to the post box to post a letter and back, and slowly increase the length of your daily walks. If crowds are a problem, go shopping during off-peak hours at first and build up to facing the horrors of the rush hour.
Deep breathing and Yoga exercises can help calm you down before you go out, and when you feel panic coming on. There are several good books on the subject, and afternoon/evening classes in most towns. Read up on how the brain and nervous system work (Mapping the Mind by Rita Carter is recommended), so that you learn to see a panic reaction as just a conditioned response which you can modify, rather than a horrible thing which 'happens' to you out of nowhere.
One trick worth trying to gain confidence is to pretend that you're someone else when you go out. (Preferably not Jack the Ripper or Attila the Hun!) Choose someone you admire - an actor, rock star or confident friend. Assuming someone else's personality is a good way of covering up low self-esteem (many famous actors are plagued by insecurities offstage), but the key is to move on from covering up to transforming your fears - you can do this by gradually blending the other person's personality with your own. When you start feeling panicky, revert to the 'other person' straight away.
Make your home life enjoyable so that people want to come and visit. Please don't be isolated - use the phone to stay in touch with people, and join a few penfriend clubs, if you like writing see penpals in our directory or if you prefer talking to writing and don't have a phone, you can correspond by 'tapesponding' - sending tapes to friends rather than letters. The National Tape Club will put you in touch with other 'tapesponders' through its membership list, and can be contacted c/o Mr B. Longlands, 9 Walton Close, Newport, South Wales NP9 9QW. Membership costs £2 initially, and then £1 a year thereafter.
The organisations listed in our directory under phobias offer advice on how to alleviate some of your stress. There are also lots of books on the subject in our library.
Pets can be great company, lovely to cuddle and play with and reduce the feelings of loneliness. They can be highly therapeutic. Ferrets, for example are recommended to manic depressives because they are so full of amusing antics that they cannot fail to cheer you up when they play with each other.
There is no need to let pets cramp your social life. Either select a pet that can be left alone while you are out, or seek an animal-loving friend or neighbour, who is willing to look after your pet when you want to go out.
Take your pets with you! A cute looking animal is usually a good conversation starter and often a babe magnet. One member who takes her chihuahua around in his own snug little bag always ends up surrounded by eager admirers in bars wanting to know his name and much else besides.
For holidays or longer absences from home, ask your vet or local library for a list of approved kennels, catteries etc.