Many people are hopeless at forming and maintaining relationships. There are so many traps to fall into and one of them is the inability to create a balance of giving and receiving. Not surprising when you consider most of us were brought up with the conflicting myths 'give and it shall be given to you' and 'God helps those who help themselves'.
Some disabled people need to be helped in so many areas they forget to draw the line, thus missing the chance to gain independence and the respect that comes with it. Low self-esteem may lead someone attempting to win friendship through what they do rather than what they are. Unless you're consciously looking for a dom/sub relationship, being either a tyrant or a doormat is unlikely to bring lasting emotional satisfaction.
Giving and receiving are ways of enjoying other human beings, and help form friendship. Of course some people will 'tread all over others' to improve their situation, and you must assess for yourself whether you're gaining some benefit from associating with a certain person or if you're simply being used as a stepping stone. This may depend on what your goals are. If you've always been shy and lonely and have decided that it's time to improve your social skills, then temporarily acting as someone's dogsbody may be to your advantage. The key is to develop enough confidence to move on from this liaison, once you have reaped its benefits. And even if it was a total disaster, you can tell yourself that it was useful research for that best-selling novel you're going to write!
Everyone thinks that this is too obvious to be spelt out, but nearly all of us are prone to being over-generous (giving with an ulterior motive) or too mean. Don't pay for everyone else when you go out if you are broke. They won't think you are generous, they will assume you have a private income. On the other hand, there is nothing clever about avoiding your round in the pub.
Never give money to a new girlfriend or boyfriend and wait a long time before you trust anyone with even a small loan. Never lend a large sum of money to a lover. There are people who will take the money and run, so beware.
Send two dozen roses to Room 424 and write 'Emily, I love you' on the back of the bill. -- Groucho Marx, A Night In Casablanca
We are not just talking about money but a mean spirit. Do you fail to reach out to people? Would you ever go out of your way to help them out, thank them or ask how they are? Do you give way to other drivers, smile at people in the street, rescue people who fall over? Do you hide behind your shyness or your disability so you never make your contribution to the world ticking over happily? -- Then open your spirit up!
Do you bring others down by feeling sorry for yourself all the time?
Are you always negative about things instead of looking at problems constructively?
List the things that you talked about during recent conversations - if your idea of
a good conversation is a report on your latest symptoms, it's no wonder you don't attract friends!
Don't ruin your chances with people by treating them as a convenient receptacle for your woes. If you need to air your problems, at least inject a bit of self-mocking humour into your monologues so that people don't see you as a self-pitying bore. Or save all your whingeing for the person who whinges to you, so that it becomes a 'creative whingeing relationship'. If nobody ever whinges to you, that's a pretty good sign that you never listen to people. People who don't listen don't make friends, so this is an art you must cultivate. Read our library book The 'Pleasure Zone' for more tips' book no. 517.
Do you over-react to people, take relationships too seriously before they've hardly begun? Gentlemen: bombarding your perhaps uncertain new lady friend with lovesick phone calls is not a good idea, especially in the light of new anti-stalker legislation. Ladies: making wedding arrangements after the first date is more likely to persuade the would-be groom to flee to Brazil than accompany you up the aisle. While seriousness and passion certainly play a part as soon as a relationship develops, being cool and light-hearted is more likely to keep the other person interested at the beginning.
If you tend to frighten people off by being too intense and clingy, increase your circle of friends and go out on dates with several people - then each contact won't seem so vital, and you'll learn to enjoy people without feeling the need to claim them as yours.
If you seem to frighten people away, you need to learn how to chill out. Find some activity which allows you to express your overbearing neurotic nature, like a debating society or morris dancing. Get it out of your system so you can approach potential lovers gently.
When it comes to relationships, men and women want much the same things - love, sex and security, with the occasional bit of excitement and variety thrown in. There are enormous difficulties which get in the way.
People who have had little contact with the opposite sex, may see them almost as creatures from another planet. Lack of experience of intimacy, combined with a strong yearning for it, naturally produces nervous agitation when you're in the company of someone you fancy. Try to express this as excitement.
While both sexes may agree on their ultimate emotional goals, the means by which they try to achieve them tend to differ. Nature has programmed the males of most species to spread their seed as widely as possible, while persuading the female to be more selective in her choice of a mate. So while most men will rarely pass up the chance of a sexual encounter with a fanciable woman, women are usually more cautious about expressing passionate feelings until they've got to know the man in question.
Whereas men are acutely aware of their sexual urges, women are conditioned not to show them and may not even recognise that they are feeling horny. As a result, most women are initially defensive when men try to chat them up. Male admirers may have to prove through persistence that they're not just after her body, and until then she's likely to remain at best polite rather than friendly. Men who don't have the social skills to suss out when to move and when to hold back may end up feeling constantly rejected, and perhaps become woman-haters; others may come to expect rejection, and think that any girl who welcomes his advances must be a slag. And some women may end up getting a kick out of rejecting men, becoming so wrapped up in power games that they're unable to form a straightforward, healthy relationship.
No doubt you're starting to think this all sounds very unsatisfactory. It is. The mating game must be the most frustrating, inefficient and confusing of human activities. Add to this the enormous expense of dating agencies and the noise and smoke of night clubs and it's not surprising that many people just give up!
There's one simple, sensible answer which seems obvious, though it still goes against social convention: let the women do the chasing! Most men will happily give up the humiliation of having their best opening lines ignored, and would be unlikely to resist the seductive charms of a female admirer. This role reversal is also a good way for men and women to understand the difficulties that each other face in the chat-up game, and thus be a bit more understanding the next time they're confronted with a 'boring' man or 'frigid' woman. And once you've successfully chatted up your bloke, you don't have to feel obliged to fulfil the full traditional male role by paying for everything!
Much of this section is aimed at helping people feel more at ease with the opposite sex. If you had little contact with them during your teenage years, you may have come to view them with a mixture of desire and fear that makes establishing friendships with them very difficult. However frustrated you may feel about not having a girlfriend or boyfriend, it's important to remember that you'll get nowhere by seeing people primarily as potential satisfiers of your needs. Unless they're instantly bowled over by your good looks and charisma, you'll have to spend some (very enjoyable) time making friends and winning their confidence first. This is a skill that you can practice at Outsiders events, and there are certain basic don'ts:
Most solitary people find it easier to develop friendships through writing
letters or emails. If you enjoy nature and solitary walks in the country, a 'green'
dating agency like
Natural Friends
15 Benyon Gardens,
Culford,
Bury St. Edmunds,
Suffolk.
IP28 6EA.
Email: [email protected]
might be worth a try. You're bound to find websites somewhere that caters for people like
you. Many Outsiders members also
prefer life 'far from the madding crowd', so make sure that your entry on the list reflects your needs.
The only way to tackle this is to 'feel the fear and do it anyway.' No amount of reading self-help books will help you unless you practise what you learn and persevere. To begin with, you are bound to sometimes feel humiliated or socially out of your depth, but if you stick at it you will realise that these feelings are not so important and thus gain confidence. Lots of socially awkward people find that the best partner for them is someone very sociable, who helps them enjoy parties. On the other hand, you might also enjoy a partner who is more like yourself.
Perhaps you assume they won't like you because you have a low self image? Perhaps you don't like the feelings of desire or frustration you feel when you are in their company. Perhaps you are afraid of them. Such things could make you defensive or aggressive, which frightens them away.
Have you experienced something bad in the past, perhaps as a child, which clouds your perception and makes you mistrust them? Worth thinking back and perhaps seeking counselling. Deep seated anger can make relationships very stormy.
If you hold extreme PC or feminist views, dating might seem like a battle unless you find the right person or mellow your views. Borrow a copy of 'The Politically Correct Guide to Getting Laid' from our library.
Each gender has its own idea about timing, which can lead to trouble. He wants her knickers down in one, whereas she wants hours of romance, and panties lowered inch-by-inch. He will call again after a hot date about five days later, while she has been having screaming habdabs after 12 hours! Then there is the fact that she may take much longer to reach orgasm. These are just some examples, but be on the lookout, and try to say what you want, when you want, to avoid misunderstandings.
Many women assume that all men desire tall, leggy blondes with large breasts. However, in reality, men desire other men, men dressed as women, fat women, older women, dirty women with sexy smells, horny raunchy women with body hair and foul mouths. -- Ruth Ostrow
Stop making assumptions. Men desire as wide a variety of women as exist and for each woman there is a man potentially wanting her. Women's tastes tend to be more narrow and a lot of men have a very difficult time attracting a woman. However, women are attracted not so much by looks as by the way men live, how he fits into society, his voice, hands, and how kind he is. Maybe there's nothing you can do except keep trying. Somebody will find you - if you help them!
Most people have a combination of male and female in them, and perhaps you fail to express the 'other' side of yourself. When men discover the feminine side of their nature, it can make you more accessible to women, and vice versa. This could be done in a wide variety of ways but let's suggest that Men try Poetry and Women try Politics.
Realising that some of the suggestions below may sound sexist, here are a few accusations and pet hates that men and women have about each other. If you recognise yourself in any of these, it might be worth changing your behaviour for a while to see if you fare any better.
Maybe your personality has changed - this is very confusing for you, let alone your friends! Do get in touch with other Outsiders members who are in the same position. Get as much help and support from professionals as possible and ask to be put on classes to help you re-learn what has been forgotten. Long-term rehabilitation may be slow, but things will sort themselves out in the end. Our library book 'A Change Of Rhythm - The Consequences Of A Road Accident' no. 242 might prove helpful.
Frontal brain damage can alter your sex drive: you may lose it or become sex-obsessed, at least for a while. This can make socialising and finding a partner very difficult. If your brain damage has altered your sexual desires, perhaps you'd like to discuss this? We have experience of people with such problems, and can perhaps put you in touch with others in a similar position.
Forgetting your social skills is a common problem after brain injury and Outsiders volunteers can help you if you can come to a lunch to meet them. Other members might be more understanding than people you encounter elsewhere.
These are the organisations which will be able to help you.
It is better to have loafed and lost than never to have loafed at all. -- James Thurber
It's true that women who are hoping for marriage and a family tend to prefer a man with a bulging wallet, but more independent-minded women won't care as long as you're interesting and loveable. It depends on why you're not working - if your self-confidence is so low that you've given up trying for jobs, you'll probably feel that you don't have the qualities to attract and sustain a relationship either. If you're on the dole mainly out of choice (because you hate the materialism of the 'rat race'), there are plenty of similar-minded women who'd see your joblessness as a sensible alternative. A good place for meeting them might be the local record store during the afternoon. Or, horror of horrors, you might hang out in the Jobcentre even when you don't have to sign on!
If you're wanting a job and are disabled, there are a contacts listed under employment and education in our directory.
You may like to do some voluntary work. Then you can't say that you're incapable
of working or unwilling to compromise, and you'll meet women in a similar situation.
Contact the National Centre for Volunteering:
Regents Wharf,
8 All Saints Street,
London.
N1 9RL.
Tel: 0845 305 6979
Email: [email protected].
Charity Action will help you find voluntary work in London - 207 Waterloo Road, London SE1 8XD. Tel 020 7633 9693.
Get some training. Outset is a charity promoting information technology
training for disabled people at:
Drake House,
18 Creekside,
Deptford,
London.
SE8 3DZ.
Tel: 020 8692 7141.
If you're more artistically inclined, the
Open College of the Arts
is affiliated to the Open University
and can be contacted at:
Registration Department,
OCA,
Freepost SF10678.
Tel: 01226 730 495.
The Open University
itself has hundreds of courses for all tastes, with fee reductions in certain
cases. Write to:
Student Registration & Enquiry Service,
The Open University,
PO Box 197,
Milton Keynes.
MK7 6BJ.
Tel: 0845 300 60 90
Email: [email protected]
If you have a craft, your goods could be marketed by the Countryside Workshops
Charitable Trust:
47 Fisherton Street,
Salisbury.
SP2 7SU.
Tel: 01722 326 886.
Aims to create work opportunities for disabled people and sell the products they make.
Despite all the unemployment, there are lots of job vacancies, even if many of them are menial and low-paid. You may shudder at the idea of being a hotel porter or serving on the check-out in Tesco, but it's a good opportunity to meet people and make contacts which may lead to better things. Surveys suggest that most people meet their partners in work situations, so look on that 'dull' job as a chance to change your life and you never know what might happen!
Love is not the dying moan of a distant violin - it's the triumphant twang of a bedspring. -- SJ Perelman
First you must recognise that for most people sex is an extremely enjoyable and necessary part of life and most men want it. Not all, and perhaps your best bet is to find one who doesn't. However, it might be an idea to try to understand more about men and women. While men seem to be more easily aroused by the mere physical presence of the opposite sex, women's desires tend to be slow-burning and less obvious. Both sexes may actually be after the same thing - it's just that men seem to want it a damn sight quicker!
If you want to date men without having sex, you must accept that most will try to get you into bed given half a chance. If you're alone with a bloke and feel he's about to pounce on you, start a conversation which will redirect his attention. Politics is usually a reliable passion-killer. Tell him how you feel and what you want, to avoid misunderstandings.
Many girls get amorous at parties after a few drinks and then ignore the guy when they sober up. This is confusing for him, and also shows that you really want to enjoy yourself, but are too inhibited without the alcohol. Have a talk with one of the Club volunteers to sort out this conflict. Deliberately getting men steamed up with flirting and then going cold on them is both cruel and risky. At best, you'll get a reputation as a PT and nice guys will avoid you. At worst, you might get raped.
Are you 'saving yourself' because you think it's the only way to get a husband? Without acquiring some practical experience of male sexuality, you may 'save' yourself for someone who turns out to be totally unsuitable - a closet homosexual or someone with sexual tastes and needs quite different from yours. 'Saving yourself' will put most men off you long before they reach the stage of proposing marriage.
If you're repulsed by the idea of sex, it's probably because you were brought up to think of it as 'dirty.' A sex therapist could help you to think about this possibility and help you, because you're missing out. Most of us were brought up to regard sex as naughty: some of us enjoy it all the more for that. As Oscar Wilde put it, 'Women have a much better time than men in this world; there are far more things forbidden to them.'
With regard to commitment, remember it need not be the be-all and end-all of existence. Commitment is a word flung about by self-righteous people anxious to assert their superiority over people who practice serial monogamy or open relationships. Many people commit themselves to someone out of fear of being alone, opting for the cosiness of dependence rather than standing on their own feet. Life is a constant process of change, and many people feel it's neither sensible nor honest to bind themselves with promises they may not be able to keep.
Don't insult men for wanting your body. You'd be pretty insulted if they stopped desiring you. Make the most of it and take some control over the situation, so you both get what you want.
You get a lot of help undressing before sex, but afterwards you have to get dressed again by yourself. -- John Gagnon
Stop expecting them to do things you want them to do - then they can't let you down. This will guarantee you success for two reasons:
Do you secretly want them to let you down? If you don't relish the occasional hard work of keeping a relationship going, it's always handy to have someone else to blame when they go wrong. Many people go through life claiming that they could be so happy if only other people lived up to their high standards. Are you too demanding, expecting your partners to jump through hoops as 'proof' of their commitment? If your partner begins to see the affair as one long test which he seems doomed to fail, you can't blame him for rebelling.
If you attract liars and cheats, why do you? Men often lie to women when they think the truth will upset them. You need to be open and honest about your expectations of a relationship right from the start. Girls who dream of wedding bells and honeymoons without bothering to ask the 'groom' what he wants are asking for trouble. Real life means discussion and compromise, and accepting that you can't always get what you want.
If men always let you down, it's more likely that the fault lies in your unrealistic expectations of them than in their shortcomings. Remember that in the long run you can't control someone else's behaviour: you can only control your own reaction to it. Happiness is only achieved by imperfect people, so be gentler on the men you get involved with and you may experience a meeting of minds one day.
Only the lonely...know the way I feel tonight. -- Roy Orbison
If people reject you almost straight away,, perhaps your clothes and general appearance are a turn-off; you may have a personal hygiene problem; you may talk too much and seem uninterested in the other person; or you may come over as desperate for human contact and make people feel emotionally 'cornered.' Ask a friend if any of the above apply to you, or come to our lunches and talk to one of the club volunteers.
If you get rejected after brief relationships, don't assume that you have some deep flaw in your personality. They may simply feel that you have expectations of the relationship which they can't live up to. It's perfectly natural for the hopes and aspirations of two people to differ.
Do you want the moon? If you're permanently on the look-out for someone who'll offer you Sexual Paradise or a Happy Ever After marriage, it's likely that most people won't be able to match your expectations. Maybe that's why you keep getting rejected - or, rather, why your expectations do. If you could expect less of people, perhaps primarily seeking friendship and seeing anything more as a nice bonus, then maybe those 'rejections' wouldn't happen so often.
Are you too desperate? Try to play it cool with potential lovers. Don't give the impression that you'd 'do anything to get married' or come across as intense and clingy. As soon as the other person feels that your expectations are too high, they'll back out of the affair completely and leave you with the 'rejected' feeling. Very few people can carry on a relationship with someone they feel is pressurising them to be loving, emotional or sexy.
Do you get sexually rejected all the time? This is so depressing you may be tempted to give up trying. Here are some tips:
Remember that everyone gets rejected sometimes. Even great romantic icons like Marilyn Monroe and Princess Diana were made to feel unwanted by husbands who turned to other women. Rejection is just part of the human condition that you need to learn from and overcome.
One day, someone will come along and love you. Keep your eyes open for when they arrive. Make sure you are laughing and enjoying life and doing something worthwhile.
If you get into a rut where you never meet new people, find a new group of friends and start socialising again.
This is a very one-sided attitude which quite a few members have expressed - one even wrote in demanding a partner to look after him and his elderly mother! If you spend much of your time and energy catering for your own basic needs, it's easy to become self-centred. You may be lucky and attract a 'nursey' type who wants to look after you, but you're likely to have more success by seeing a relationship as a chance to make someone else happy. Think of all the care and devotion you feel you need from a partner - is what you can offer in return enough to keep someone interested, assuming that they're not studying for sainthood?
Find out about Independent Living Schemes and make sure that you never become dependent on a lover for your daily care.
The biggest enemy to the hard-on is the fear it might not happen, so try to put this threat behind you. Make the most of what you've got. The more you keep going, the better your apparatus will function. Even if disability effects your penis, there are lots of ways of coping, described under the section entitled 'I have a sexual problem'.
Hurry up and find a partner who'll keep your sexual interest up, and discover ways to please her which don't involve having an erection. Discover how to enjoy a semi-erect penis as it can feel more sensitive than a full hard-on.
There's a lot more to good sex than rampant erections and intercourse. Even if you can't get stiff any more, you can still pleasure her with your hands and mouth, and the sensual delights of massage (see library books nos.156 & 422). Women love being stroked and masturbated by hand. You can always resort to using a strap-on dildo when she wants a good shag.
By focussing more on her body, you'll become a more skilled and sensitive lover, to the satisfaction of you both. Don't worry about women thinking less of you - erections aren't exactly a scarce commodity, and women are bored with men who are more interested in their own 'performance' than the woman's pleasure.
Medical treatments such as Viagra can be prescribed. Ask your GP for the latest and greatest.
Impotence: A Guide for Men of All Ages by Philip Kell & Wallace Dinsmore, is a comprehensive guide to all the options open to men. It is published by the Royal Society of Medicine Press, 1 Wimpole Street, London W1G OEA.
Sometimes people go through phases where everything in their life seems transient, and lovers are like passing ships.
However, if you can't keep anyone's interest for long, you must be doing something wrong.
How many relationships have you had? If they were no good, be thankful that they didn't last. If there's no spark in a relationship, it's best to get out before you start destroying each other. And if the other person is adamant that there's no future in it, all you can sensibly do is accept the situation and start again with someone else.
Do you change once you've 'got' someone? Most people behave much better with strangers, when they're striving to make an impression. If the 'real you' suddenly emerges in all its gory glory a few weeks into a relationship, it's not surprising that the other person has second thoughts at that stage.
Whatever the reason, don't blame your disability, or anything else you have a complex about. You may find that people panic when they realised that they are getting into a serious relationship with somebody disabled, worrying what other people may think. People panic for all kinds of reasons and finish relationships which are not going anywhere. But once you find love, hopefully it will override doubts and prejudices. Unless you're very lucky, you're not going to find the partner of your dreams right away, so a few 'false starts' are inevitable.
If a date with you is always going to be hard work because of your impairments, then do all you can to lessen the load. One young man with cerebral palsy who can't speak, walk, feed himself or do anything much except be brilliantly witty, make love and come over as a genius, decided that no relationship would ever last long because he's too difficult to live a normal life with. So he's resigned himself to a life of brief but lively affairs. He got depressed sometimes... but don't we all? Perhaps this wouldn't suit you, but think about it. In fact, this guy is now happy in a longterm relationship. What he did proves that if you recognise your problems and learn to make the most of life compromising where necessary, other people will respect you enormously, and from there you may find love.
In the eyes of a lover, pockmarks are dimples. -- Japanese proverb
Do you want a partner or a status symbol? There's nothing wrong with being attracted to someone on a purely physical level, but if you want a satisfying relationship you need to look beneath the surface.
Bearing in mind that some people only fancy unattainable people because they're scared of actually starting a proper relationship, you have three options:
Do you drink a lot? No, I spill most of it.
You probably have an addictive personality. There are many cases of alcoholics who've kicked the habit, only to find their unhappiness resurfacing and expressing itself later in other ways.
People can get addicted to food, TV, gambling, music and work, while some are obsessive about their hobbies. It may stem from all kinds of things like shyness, low self-esteem and painful childhood memories and you may need to cope with these before you can rid yourself of addiction. Counselling can be very helpful.
While ultimately it's your problem, having the support of others in the same situation can be very helpful. There are several organisations, of which the best-known is Alcoholics Anonymous. Their programme has proved to be very effective for many people, but is founded on an appeal to a 'Higher Power' which atheists may not find helpful. Be sure you discuss the problem with your partner as often as possible so they can help you along.
The Chaucer Clinic is based at Ealing Hospital in West London and offers a three stage treatment for alcoholics: detox, work therapy and counselling. The programme lasts between 3-8 months depending on the progress you make, and fees can be paid by the DSS or your local authority. For a referral, contact 020 8571 4616.
The Core Trust
offers holistic treatments for drug and alcohol addiction, such
as herbal remedies,
reflexology,
Shiatsu, massage,
meditation
and Yoga. Contact:
The Treatment Manager,
The CORE Trust,
Lisson Cottages,
35a Lisson Grove,
London.
NW1 6UD.
Tel: 020 7258 3031.
Fax: 020 7402 1964.
Email: [email protected]
See Drug Rehabilitation in our directory for other useful organisations.
If you're gay, the Lesbian, Gay & Bisexual Alcohol Project provides free and confidential advice on 020 7739 3579.
Sit them down all together and explain how it is for you, inviting them to say how they feel. Use words like 'embarrassment' 'prejudice' and 'stigma' to help them express their anxieties. If they can't accept you as you are, get on with life anyway and try again in a year's time. Ask your GP to refer you to a family therapist who will facilitate communication, easing understanding.
In addition get as much support as you can from the groups and agencies which specialise in your disability, RADAH and local support. There is plenty of help out there, so make the most of it.
This is something that frequently happens to disabled people, and certainly something to be avoided. Of course, you don't want to lose your friends, but you are entitled to more.
Here are a few carefully-worded approaches you could try. One is to ask, 'I've been wondering if we should move this forward a little: what do you think?' If the other person blushes, venture a kiss on the lips. If they protest, you can say it was only idle curiosity! Humorists might try the 'I know you're only trying to get me into bed' approach, maybe when you've both had a couple of drinks. The key is to put the ball into the other person's court in a light-hearted fashion.
Don't spend all your time with this person. Chances are they suspect you fancy them, but good loyal friends are hard to find, so they want to hang onto you.
If you find that the relationship is doing your head in, tell them how you feel. If they still won't hop into bed with you, say goodbye.
Try not to put all the responsibility on the other party.
Relationships tend to end at crucial stages, and maybe you weren't sensitive enough to read the signs. People often grow apart during the course of an affair as their interests diverge, and the best thing to do when this happens is to part amicably and move on. If you feel you were 'let down', it may be because you had expectations which the other person couldn't match.
Don't worry about what everyone else thought. Having to send back engagement presents may have been a blow to your pride, but if people liked you enough to send them in the first place, they'd have understood. Anyway, 17 broken engagements and they'll still love you: they'll just send smaller presents!
Don't let it happen again. Start dating lots of people so that your emotions aren't dominated by what one person did in the past. Life moves on whether you like it or not, and you'll only be happy if you move with it.
If you spend your time brooding over the past, you'll only end up feeling bitter, fearful and tortured by regret. Is the person who 'let you down' important enough to be allowed to have this effect on you?