Pathjhar

Friday Word: Fear

2007-10-19T12:12:00.000+05:30

She stared at the creature in front of her. She realized she was rooted to the spot unable to move and simply staring into its eyes without blinking. It was reciprocating with a similar stare, as if playing bluff to see who moved first. A thousand thoughts raced through her head, can they smell fear? Was she close enough for it to smell her fear? She mentally reprimanded herself for drifting off topic instead of deciding how to approach the creature in front of her.

She was scared, that was for sure, petrified perhaps for the first time in her life. She should have known better then taking a walk in the dark in these parts which was the creature’s favorite haunt. She let out a sigh and shut her eyes for a brief instant before jolting them open. It was gone. She jumped up in lightening and went around in circles wondering if it was sneaking up from behind her. No, not behind her, suddenly she was going in more circles trying to see if it was exactly behind her and moving with her. No that wasn’t it either. She looked up before chiding herself, its not like the creature could fly or even climb trees. What was she thinking? She quickly consoled herself, fear makes a person go crazy, she was simply having a few irrational thoughts, it was allowed.

She turned around to spot a clear path between her and the house, quickly calculated the distance and the time it would take. She took a deep breath and decided it was time to make a run for it, and so she did. She ran like she hadn’t run in years. She ran like her life depended on it and it probably did, lest the creature apprehend her again.

She heard a faint noise and turned just in time to see the creature gaining on her. His determined set of eyes instilled greater fear in her and she was suddenly afraid she wasn’t going to make it. She stumbled and fell and began mentally praying to God to forgive her for all her sins, asking for a chance to confess all her minor glibs to her parents etc when she heard a voice.

“Dew, stop, DEW!!”

She opened one eye hoping against hope, and saw the creature stopped merely inches away from her.

“Dew SIT”

It sat huffing and puffing, and then ambled towards her, causing her to squirm and began praying again. It licked her face. Now most would think a dog is showering the person with affection when it licks your face, she was one of those few who knew it was merely expressing regret at being unable bite and taste the person so was settling for a lick instead.

“Honestly, girl its only a dog. A pint sized dog at that, how can it possible scare you?”

She shrugged, mentally thanking her stars and guardian angels and everyone else in a speech that would possibly rival the longest of award function speeches for saving her that day and followed her savior into the house. She also conveniently agreed that since she had been given more time to live she should set right the minor glibs instead of confessing to them. That having been sorted, she happily followed her savior into the house

Living Wills

2007-10-18T15:32:00.000+05:30

Several similar situations have arisen in the past few weeks forcing me to think on a topic I generally avoid.

No its not Death, its the phase right before death. What happens if death is not sudden? What happens if Death comes after a prolonged illness and lots of suffering.

What happens when there is a prologed illness and lots of suffering but no death?

No, I am not talking about euthanasia here. However, I am talking about the fine line between euthanasia and living wills. There are several occasions when there is no living will, especially in India. People announce and let their wishes known that I would never wish to live as a vegetable, but most skirt around the topic altogether.

In those conditions when you have to decide on behalf of your loved one whether to pull the plug because they didnt wish to live like that, how do you?

I was advised recently in no uncertain words that extending the life shoulndt be at a cost of the quality of life. Granted yes, but if a surgery will add another five years to someone's life then would you decide against it? If chemotherapy might cure the cancer would you decide against it simply for what the person might endure for the two or three months while undergoing therapy?

It is so unfair to ask someone's children or loved ones to make that decision. How does one decide when their loved one has suffered enough. I agree, its inherently selfish on the part of the ones that are left behind but I would not be able to pull the plug on anyone.

I agree its a lot worse when it comes to medical insurance and affording the treatment. There was an article in the paper recently about a poor farmer and his wife not being able to afford treatment for their 4 year old daughter, stood outside the hospital and offered to sell their teenaged son to raise the money. The hospital intervened on finding out and waived most costs, but that is rare. (Of course I was so proud and happy that in rural India someone decided to sacrifice a son to save a daughter but... that is a different post)

I guess its been on my mind, Would you want someone to pull the plug on you? Alternatively would you be able to pull the plug on a loved on?

Burma/Myanmar

2007-10-11T15:39:00.000+05:30

I came across this blog recently that is attempting to highlight the atrocities currently underway in Burma. I cannot vouch for the authenticity of the material but most news sites are also highlighting the blog and since very few media ppl have access to the country perhaps this is the only semi-accurate picture we are going to get

http://ko-htike.blogspot.com/

Its nearly sad that people expect China to assist in maintaining the human rights of the Burmese ppl when it is so ruthlessly crushing the human rights of the Tibetans.

4th CISM Games

2007-10-08T12:21:00.000+05:30

The 4th CISM Military World Games are about to begin in Hyderabad. CISM (International Military Sports council) has 127 members and more information can be found at their website here.

I am surprised at how much this event has been underplayed because I am barely finding out that 105 countries are going to be participating in a championship second only in magnitude to the Olympics in Hyderabad. Also, why I am sharing this piece of information with all of you.

I do hope that the event gets the publicity it deserves and we hear more from it in the coming days, not to mention that the Indian contingent wins a medal or two.

Who else?

2007-10-07T16:53:00.001+05:30

She drummed her fingers nervously on the table as she finished her maths homework. She was nearly done with all her homework but had saved some just in case. Her siblings were playing around her and now she did what she did best occasionally, pretend to do homework. She knew it would be highly beneficial later that night if she was caught.

She glanced at the watch 5 p.m. Any minute now he would walk in the door and she would have maybe 2 hours before she risked getting caught. Her siblings were pestering her to play and she put on a grim face and asked them to leave for she had to study, she even reprimanded her sister for not getting homework done on time.

Her sister for her part made a face and scampered off to play. The ringing doorbell had her running towards the door as quick as lightening. She flung the door open to see her partner in crime standing there. She glanced up at him with hope in her eyes and the mischievous gleam in them didnt disappoint. Flinging her arms around his legs, for that is about how tall she was, she stood there hugging him before she heard her mother approach.

He quickly slipped her the contraband merchandise and she hid it behind her back and snuck back to her study table. Her books and items were quickly rearranged with the contraband safely tucked within her history text book as she began reading. The noise around her faded and the world was a distant memory as she absent mindedly nodded occasionally to her mother's words and her sister's demands.

She lost track of time and didnt hear the doorbell ring again. She didnt hear her sister animatedly talking to their father and she didnt hear the him come into the room and stand above her head to see what she was so studiously reading. It was a bit of a surprise when he yanked the book and stood fuming. Her mother stood shocked and her siblings giggling behind their mother.

She had been reading the monthly edition of Chandamama hidden safely within the confines of her history book. Her dad fumed, "I thought no reading this till exams are over?"

"But I studied all day." she tried to argue

"What I dont understand is how she got her hands on this to begin with." asked her confused mother.

Her siblings volunteered, "Who else but Dada would spoil her?"

Her parents nodded in agreement, for it was always her partner in crime, her grandfather who spoiled her, bringing her all the books her voracious reading appetite could devour, even during exams week and even when her father deemed them contraband. Who else would spoil her, who else indeed?

1857-2007

2007-09-26T15:52:00.000+05:30

A British Delegation arrived at Lucknow today and was met with heavy protests. They were in Lucknow to tour the Residency which was prominently a part of the 1857 uprising against the British.

The 1857 uprising is seen by the Indians as the first war for independence, by the British as a mutiny of the kings under them and the Indian Sepoys employed by them. The consequence was that the unorganized uprising was squashed nearly a year later and India's controls were handed over from the East India Company to the British Crown. So India was no longer being exploited for the profit of a handful individuals but for the comfort of a nation.

The delegation comprising of historians, tourists and notably a descendant or two of generals who played a major role in the British comeback. Their graves are located in Lucknow Residency and the delegation was allowed to visit on the condition that they pay their respects at the graves but cannot celebrate the occasion or mark it with ceremony.

The BJP, Shiv Sena and the likes have held protests that have threatened to turn violent at the notion that the delegation be allowed at all. They see it as disrespecting the martyrs of the 1857 uprising.

While I feel that everyone should be allowed to visit graves and pay their respects, a few things about it do bother me. It is a delegation that is visiting key sites of the 1857 uprising. It is a specially marked delegation visiting on the 150th anniversary of the uprising. They could come individually, they could come without the pomp and ceremony and go quietly and visit the grave side. Did they really have to be part of an official delegation specially co-inciding with the 150th anniversary etc etc...

I disagree with the method of protest and I disagree with it being used as yet another tamasha that BJP usually utilizes to pump up its vote machine, that too in a crucial state like UP.
I dont however disagree with the sentiment behind the protest. It is time we mend fences, it is time we move forward as a modern nation having shed the shackles that previously bound us.

Yet there is a fine balance between embracing our future and disrespecting our past. They have as much a right to mourn their dead, it is a significant factor in their history. Is the visit an affront to the freedom struggle whose fruits are barely years old? Should the delegation have been allowed to come in the first place?

I cant seem to decide, what do you all think?

Dots and then some

2007-09-14T12:50:00.000+05:30

Note: In lieu of my increasingly sporadic blog entries, I was assigned the word "dots" last week by a friend and told to write something...So here it is, I wrote something.Err after the initial comments i realized i need to specify ITS FICTION.. IT DIDNT HAPPEN TO ME U GUYS

One never expects something simple to leave a permanent mark in your life, a single incident that inspires such strong emotions that you are never fully able to get past it. Well such an incident did occur in my life and I still remember it as vividly as it was yesterday.

I had gone through a quarter life crisis of sorts and done a complete make-over of my life, or atleast attempted one. New job, new city and a whole new set of friends, sometimes you think that is all it takes to get a new life doesnt it? Well one often forgets that the good thing about the old is that its familiar and familiarity may breed contempt but atleast it saves you from incidents like what I am about to narrate.

A few colleagues at work had invited me to a Friday night Dinner that they said they were hosting to welcome me, into their group, into their lives, into the company and to the city. I was excited and nervous, well I dont care what the world's philosopher's say, first impressions do matter and this one was important to me. Very simply I needed to make a good impression on the people I'd be seeing all day at work and more importantly this whole new city new life plan was starting to stare at back at me with some gaping flaws. For instance believe it or not trying to make over your life is easier then making over your personality and a shy quiet person like me finds it difficult to go out and make friends. I wasnt going to perch myself at a coffee shop and try and make friends with random strangers now was I? Who knows what psychoes lurked within them. So this day and this event was rather important to me.

Nervous as I was, I left an hour early. Big mistake considering that my "friend"'s house was only 25 minutes away. I didnt want to be late, what kinda impression would that make so I was early and I sat and nervously fiddled in my car for a few minutes, drove around the neighborhood for a few more minutes and wiled away the time. I perched myself outside their door for a few minutes till it was 8pm on the dot when I rang the bell.

Loud cheers welcomed me into the house and easy conversation flowed soon after. I relaxed my guard, I can do this I thought to myself, they are a great bunch of people and things seem to be flowing well. I soon found myself in the kitchen getting a drink when one of the girls, walked in and asked for my help in pouring the ketchup. I shrugged and proceeded to help her, pouring the ketchup out.

Her eyes grew wide and she said slowly, "You poured it in a puddle."
I stared at the ketchup and said, "Excuse me?"
"You poured the ketchup in a puddle. Who makes a puddle. You are supposed to make neat little dots. Dont you know anything?" Her hand started shaking and her voice grew hysterical as she continued, repeating the same thing over and over again, "its a puddle, its a puddle."

I stared in dismay, who pours ketchup in dots? How do you pour ketchup in dots?

Soon others started filing into the kitchen and shaking their heads at me while trying to calm the girl down. Someone grabbed the plate and hid it from her view and tried to calm her down. She for her part was growing more and more hysterical, "Puddles, puddles" I think her vocabulary had limited itself to just those two words now, "puddles and dots".

"What did you do?" came an angry whisper.

"poured the ketchup," I stammered in reply.

"In PUDDLES?" err how else does one pour ketchup? I suddenly longed for the familiarity of my friends and family who didnt pour ketchup in neat little dots.

I think someone finally took pity on my ashen face as I stared at the drama unfolding before and burst out laughing. That person was mighty scorned at as I believe the group had wanted to extend the drama for a few days more and see me squirm in discomfort.

Turned out it was some sort of initiation proceeding that they had come up with to break the ice. I chuckled nervously that day and left the house in a daze.

Of course the lot of us grew to be close friends, for they had already made me squirm, turn ashen, tremble in fear, pace in nervousness? How much more could they do to me right?

I still hesitate when asked to pour ketchup and the lot of them still laugh at the hesitation and remind me to "Pour in perfect dots and not a puddle."

Somehow puddles, dots and ketchup have left an indelible mark on me and believe me it was a while before i even ate ketchup again.

Paryushan again

2007-09-11T13:08:00.000+05:30

Its that time of the year again, the Jain Paryushan is currently underway. Unfortunately this year, it barely feels like it, I am not fasting due to my tooth and I can barely eat to rice and yogurt to begin with so I dont miss the regular food either.

Except inadvertantly I have made it my time for introspection. I know Sanvatsari is coming up and it will be time to wish everyone Michami Dukkadam (details in my entry from last year). I have spent the last few days in retrospect (being under the hallucinatory effects of a strong painkiller and having much of nothing else to do gives you the chance for some good retrospect.)

How was my last year? Most importantly, how fair have I been to myself over the last year. Have I done the right thing? How many grudges am I still holding on to? How happy am I? How unhappy am I? You get the idea.

I'd say its been a good year. I have upset a lot of people over the course of the year but unfortunately they remain unresolved issues that I have no intention of resolving. I have no intention of apologizing to them or uttering Michami Dukkadam for that matter. I dont hold a grudge against them but I am not ready to lower my weapons either. Goes against everything non-violent that Jainism is about but I already knew I am not walking the path to Moksha this birth so oh well.

I have attempted to be a better daughter, be a better sister and a better granddaughter. Unfortunately I havent learned how to balance things quite well and I know in the process I have become a terrible friend, withdrawing from most people that matter and worse yet as I have been accused recently, I have been a terrible Aditi (that may not make sense except in my head).

I guess this year's list of Michami Dukkadam is topped by my friends who I know (and hope) will still be around when I emerge from my cocoon and self exile of sorts and one other person.

My grandfather's friend who I turned to for advice often hoping to find some measure of what I shared with my own grandfather. The recent circumstances have led to an eye-opening awakening as far as the person is concerned, his manipulations leaving a bad taste in my mouth. I wish I had handled the situation a little better, I wish I had been more controlled in my responses. He did not deserve the benefit of the doubt but he does deserve a heartfelt Michami Dukkadam as I apologize to him for all the actions of the previous year (and some which I am about to commit for hey I didnt declare this war they did, I am simply defending)

Its been a while since I have been able to smile in retrospect and say, all in all it was a good year. Lets bring on the next and see what I make of it eh?

Update

2007-09-08T09:49:00.000+05:30

That is all i seem to be posting lately, updates and lots of updates. Well the surgery went off well, I lost the kabaddi playing tooth and the section of bone it refused to detach from (a tiny piece i think). I am also the proud owner of 3 stitches. (yea that i keep bragging about).

The pain was really bad so my painkiller got upped to the good stuff that makes me woozy and knocks me out good. I might actually get around to tasting solid food again today. They lie when they say that its fun to get such surgeries done cuz you can eat ice cream and the good stuff later. I probably would have been able to, had i been able to open my mouth wide enough to get a spoon in, else its melted ice cream which is effectively milk (cuz vanilla was the only flavor allowed)

My cousin Z had a baby girl on the 29th, the baby girl was in NICU for a while but is doing a lot better. I have taken on myself the responsibility of finding a good name for her (frankly cuz her dad, cuz T wanted to name her Gul and I am not thrilled wiht the name so trying to entice them with better options)

So, her rashi being Kumbh, they want a name that starts with G, S or Sh, suggestions anyone?

Fun's over

2007-09-05T11:31:00.000+05:30

Yeah that is right, the fun is all over. I expect work to get stressful and busy again in the coming days, hopefully I will still have time to post more often else I return to the sporadic one post a week or less..

The tooth update is that I had the X-ray taken on Monday. My dentist looked at me with a smile and said, its a typical hockey stick. I looked hopefully and said, so really easy right? He smiled even wider and said no really hard, a challenge for me.

I stared at him dismally and not meaning to yet did ask, do we have to?

Well its official, we have to, tomorrow morning at 9 am. My first set of stitches and they are going to be in my mouth.

In case there is some confusion, no its not a tooth extraction, because the tooth is not out yet. Its not out because there is no room for it to come out. Once it began growing, it began jostling for space and is now latched in a Kabaddi match with the bone of my jaw, hence the hockey stick procedure. It has not come out of the gums at all, so the gums need to be sliced and hence stitched. (It just had to do this, of course its my tooth, had to take after me, couldnt sit quietly in the gums)

Can i just say, "I dont wannaaaaaa"

But I am gonna.

I might be gone a few days, will catch u guys when i return

Wanted: Me

2007-09-02T23:33:00.000+05:30

(Maybe just maybe, I should listen to Dharmabum and stay away from the news)

For this one sent chills down my spine. A IT professional in Bangalore was arrested by the PUNE police working on a case since Nov 06. Google helped the police in locating the orkut user through his IP address.

The crime?

The Orkut user, Laxman Kailas uploaded defamatory material on orkut against Maharaj Shivaji (better take his name with respect now else we will all end up in prison).

The defendant, the criminal claims while his computer may have been used, he had roommates and friends visiting all the time. He was not the one who did it.

This however, takes me back to those scary days when blogspot was banned in India for fear of, well for some unreasonable fear.

I know orkut has been quite popular with a lot of the media lately. Any time there is a crime involving a youth, they immediately dig up excerpts from their orkut profile. (Made me think on more then one occasion what my orkut profile as seen by strangers would tell abt me).

But to be arrested for uploading slurs against Chattrapati Shivaji, imagine if everyone who spoke against the president in america was arrested?

What crime was he booked on? exercising free speech? disrespecting the maratha scion? is that a crime now? Will the pigeons who dare deface his statue be shot and publicly executed?

Will I for this blog entry? next thing you know, you might be reading about me in the paper.

I have been thinking of deleting my orkut profile for a few days now, now I wonder if I should delete my blog as well. I mean god knows I have my moments of venting (like my last entry with the Dep CM's name.. err)

If I disappear suddenly and that disappearance co-incides with a blogger from mumbai being arrested, do try and garner some support, maybe just maybe I might be convicted after 12-15 years (like Sanjay Dutt and Salman Khan) and be out on bail in a week. I wish right?

Lots of Venting

2007-08-31T16:50:00.000+05:30

10 suicides in the Vidarbha region within 24 hours. What happens to the hundreds of crores of rupees that are announced year after year for their aid.. i doubt it requires a crore per farmer to help. This issue has disturbed me year after year . I think the only way our incompetant politicians will be able to stop the suicides is when Vidarbha runs out of people to commit it.

Its disgraceful and sad. I dont know about the others but I feel that its ok for Mumbai to wait on its makeover as long as lives are saved using that money, heck using any money.

Where is the media? Where is the outrage and outroar required on this topic. Where are the NGO's. Why is the farmers' voice continuously falling on deaf ears. If Mr R R PAtil can devote so much time to suspending the poor constables who hugged or shook hands with Sanjay Dutt then why not focus a little on the dying farmers?

A gurgaon Cop is accused of raping a girl who went to register a complaint about her lost/stolen cell phone at the police station. NOT ONCE BUT TWICE. I could go on and on about what happens when those sworn to protect are the ones violating but what is the point? It would still fall on deaf ears.

Or those LEFT ears that are starting to sound like annoying kids in school, "mere ko bhi khelna hain warna mein teacher se complaint kar doonga, day after day after day" except their story inadvertantly is always " my condition else I will withdraw support". How sad is it when as a nation we live with the constant possibility of our coalition govt collapsing. We are not even able to elect a govt and agree on that much less anything else in this nation lately.

I saw a poster all over Marine Drive, demanding employment for the unemployed or a monthly compensation of Rs 6,000/- now I know that that isnt a lot of money. I wonder though, how much do our police constables make? (Legally). Do they make that much? barely that much? if not how can we not pay them, expect them to live in dirt poor conditions yet be squeakily honest and risk their lives for us every single time.

Totally sickened out today

The major dilemma

2007-08-28T19:24:00.000+05:30

He paced the room nervously. The nervousness alternating with varied emotions ranging from confusion to irritation. He couldnt find a solution. He glanced at the box, his life savings, they were in danger. He had vowed to not let those hands get to his savings and yet they were in danger. There had to be a way around this. There just had to be one, and yet for days he had not been able to find one.

He still remembered the exact moment the agonizing news had been broken to him, he had stared in confusion at the two goons, the two thugs, the two thieves who had conspired to take everything away from him.

His face squinted as an idea struck him, it could work, the plan into fooling those thugs into their own doom could work, he just had to execute it right.

He marched out from the bathroom where he had been pacing and thinking (for it was the only safe place he knew off). He went looking forward to the confrontation.

His resolve waivered as he saw the thugs present for what was the key part of his plan. Their faces were lit with amusement at his terror.

He muttered the quick anthem, "Hum honge kamiyaab ek din" to himself and started.

"Is it true?" He asked in hushed whispers.

"Is what true?" whispered a voice in return.

"Can they take away my savings?" he clutched the box closer to himself...

"No why would they?" whispered the confused voice.

He could hear the thugs snickering and couldnt control himself, the poise faltering as he wailed. "But they said, they will tie a rakhi, that that piece of thread, pretty thread, but thread on my wrist and I have to give them all my money."

The two thugs had broken into peals of laughter at the sight of his misery. He heard another snicker and turned to his grandfather, who was trying hard not to laugh at the 4 year old's major problem.

His grandfather sat him down on his lap and tried to erase whatever damage the two sisters had done and explain the beautiful thought behind Raksha Bandhan. The kid however was a businessman's grandson, a businessman's son, a businessman in the making, all he understood was, so in the end I have to give them money?

His grandfather sighed.

The kid turned, when do I get money, when do I tie a piece of thread on their wrist.

NEVER!! chimed the two thugs err sisters.

"THAT is not fair" he screamed, "Who made those rules I dont like them"

His grandfather explained that it didnt always have to be money it could be a gift, and for now while he grew up, his parents would give the gift.

The clever kid turned with a toothy grin, "But kids never grow up for their parents so do I never have to give? God knows they get all the good stuff" he grimaced.

Then suddenly as if a genius thought had struck him, he walked upto his sisters and said cheerfully. I know I will take you all to the beach for a camel ride every year.

His sisters stared stunned and it was his grandfather's turn to laugh. (You see the kid had recently taken a camel ride at the beach where the kid's camel had taken a comical fall. The boy returning uninjured had been at the recieving end of tons of his sisters' jokes. This was his revenge.)

So I sit here and I ask, "BHAIYA WHERE IS MY CAMEL RIDE THIS YEAR?"

Ahh the 4 year old grew up to be an extremely generous brother that I am glad to have. Another year, another rakhi and another chance to say how blessed I am, for all my brothers.

Last year's ode can be found here

Killing me Softly

2007-08-17T14:07:00.000+05:30

Months ago, I went to visit my dentist. I have never been scared of visiting the dentist but this time, he took one look at my wisdom tooth and said, "Well, (big sigh), you either accustom yourself to the minor pain or we will have to extract your tooth. This wisdom tooth wants to come out, but unfortunately there isnt room for it."

A myriad of thoughts went through my head, starting from "Is that where my wisdom got stuck?" to well the obvious pain of getting my tooth extracted.

I was also warned that I appear to grind my teeth, I couldnt deny it, I think I do when I have nightmares. He said ease up on it and you will be fine for a while, he said.

The while seems to have ended, or perhaps its only because of my growing frequency of nightmares. This entire last week, I have been wondering what my subconscious is now trying to scream at me.

See, usually when you are shot at by an unknown man with a machine gun and you get shot, or you fall into a pit full of spikes and get a few spikes through your body etc (all grave fatal scenarios) in your dreams, night after night, its a message from my creative subconscious.

Pain and hurt seem to be the common theme but for the moment I am focused on the excruciating pain in my jaw that has made moving it difficult. I cannot help wonder, if i am headed for a fall?

My string of nightmares usually start when there is something I should be seeing/doing that I am just not if that makes sense

This entry might not make sense cuz of the pain, but then....sigh

Update: I visited the dentist again, who in dentist lingo explained that the tooth is stuck with no where to go and its pushing so the pressure is cauzing my jaw to spasm etc.. solution either have a minor surgery to get the tooth extracted because, the tooth isnt out, its stuck...

15th August

2007-08-15T00:57:00.001+05:30

This year there seems to be a big push on ushering in independence as far as the media is concerned. As I sat there watching Amul Voice of India on Star Plus usher in the date, my grandma suddenly began talking.

I have heard the stories so many times before, of the days before independence. I have heard from my grandfather when he was alive how he fought, I have heard how my great grandfather was a part of the Dandi march and yet I sat there totally enthralled.

Gramma H and Gramma S discussed the night of 14th August 1947, how all the houses were lit brighter then any Diwali, how the people took to the streets to rejoice, how they had waited, holding their breaths almost scared the moment wouldnt come, that something would change.

How they had ushered in freedom.

Happy Independence Day~!

Gandhi My Father

2007-08-06T12:41:00.000+05:30

Unlike others who were perhaps familiar with the story of Harilal Gandhi, eldest son of Mahatma Gandhi, I went into the move with no idea of what happened. I had neither read the book, nor seen the play and obviously wasnt aware of any event at the time.

I had discussed the movie with my grandfather's friend, who has obviously seen the pre-independence days and heard a little of Harilal Gandhi's end etc, but that was it.

Now due to my growing irritation at the constant ringing of cell phones ( a myriad of tunes from Maine Pyar Kiya to Forever from Tararumpum provide the background score for a heartwrenching moment on screen) and those teenage girls that giggled hysterically at crucial moments, I feel such idiots should be banned from publicly viewing movies, but then we are living in a democracy, yes I regret it at such times.

I t was a great movie, particularly so because 2 days later, I am still thinking about it. A few things that struck me in the movie were:-

There were parts when I felt ashamed, ashamed that I was glancing into someone else's family, someone else's problems. I feel differences arise often between father and son, some extreme some not so extreme. I would hate for someone to peek into my life, I felt I was doing the same. Its difficult being a public figure and knowing you are constantly judged and scrutinised. Its worse being a public figure's child, when you didnt choose this scrutiny and judgement. Not a celebrity, but when its Mahatma Gandhi and his principles, every mistake is magnified a 1000 fold.
Its a beautiful movie, because I could see both sides of the coin. I could see where Harilal Gandhi stood but also where Bapu stood.
For once in a Hindi movie, the characters aged, there were wrinkles and the alcoholic harilal had sunken eyes, instead of bright chirpy ones. That was very well and subtly done.

The end moved me to tears, not because of the story unfurling on the screen but simply because of the emotions involved in independence and the riots that lead to partition. I believe its the British legacy and we are foolish enough to continue fighting with the seeds of hatred they so strongly sowed amongst us.

Its also pitiable, the dreams and aspirations with which eyes must have awaited the day we became independent only to fall in to the hands of corrupt senile politicians who are so busy bickering (seen the parliament proceedings?) that it mocks everything they fought for.
Its also sad that Abu Salem will now be contesting elections, truly sad but then if Gawli can be elected why not Salem.

As the movie was culminating with the independence speeches etc, someone's words and arguments flashed into my mind that stated, India is no longer a young country and how long will we cower behind that argument. Isnt India a young country though? How many of us can say that our parents were born in an independent India? I know my father just made it so that he was. Can all of us truly say that our parents were born free? My grandparents definitely werent. They fought for this freedom we completely take for granted. We forget just how recent this independence is, so yes India still is a young country. Its sad how dark and wild our so called teenage years were and we hope the country settles into an amicable youth but, I'd say its still young..

Totally digressed from the movie, but then I think its a movie you have to see to understand

Sanjay Dutt

2007-08-01T19:03:00.000+05:30

Edit: New Information: He was in possession of AK-56 and hand grenades (as pointed out by peenuts in comments.. thanks!! ) . Sanjay Dutt has also known connections with Dawood Ibrahim. I am adding wiki links here on Dawood Ibrahim, Abu Salem, 1993 Mumbai Blasts

People keep asking me what my opinion on Sanjay Dutt's sentence is. I kept hesitating because I wasnt sure how I felt about it.

(Background Info: Sanjay Dutt, a movie star, belonging to a political family, was found guilty of being in possession of weapons he didnt have a license for. The catch, he had those weapons 14 years ago during the Mumbai Blasts of 93)

I honestly expected the judge to sentence him to time already served (15-16 months during investigation), slap some parole and fines and be done with it. 6 years I was caught offguard.

6 years, even if we subtract time served that is a lot of time.

Initially I was shocked and then indignant, I thought he was being made an example of and that wasnt fair.

I mean Salman Khan (another movie personality) killed ppl during a hit and run accident years ago (not to mention the poaching incident) and is still walking free. Nadeem (Music composer) was behind a contract killing, escaped to London and living fine. Nawab Pataudi (cricketer) was involved in poaching, that incident got hushed up mighty soon.

I even began to write a blog entry on the incident. As I was writing, I realized that Sanjay Dutt was not in possession of just any weapons, he had AK-47(s? I am not sure whether he had more then one).

He got lucky that the shoddy policework (or corrupt) could not prove that it was his "friend" Abu Salem from whom he had gotten the gun(s) who in turn had imported them for terror related activities during and before the Mumbai riots and blasts (the latter was proved but his case seperated from Salem's case cuz the connection wasnt supported by strong enough evidence).

Sanjay Dutt claimed that being a child of Hindu and Muslim parents with a politician father who worked in riot afflicted areas, they were being threatened. He had the gun to protect his family. Err who uses AK-47 to protect their family and home? besides maybe the Taliban?

He was foolish, perhaps. He was reckless in his attitude, sure. Yet, out of friendship or otherwise, out of fear of the underworld(which I doubt since they were friends), maybe, yet he aided and abetted a terrorist network.

This network was responsible for 1993 blasts, that killed how many people? This network spread terror during the 92-93 riots that started post Babri Masjid, that killed how many people?

Perhaps it is through this very foolishness that we continue to abet and aid terrorists, maybe he was made an example of but somehow I dont feel bad about it. He may not have directly killed anybody but every help he gave Salem, led to the death of thousands of people, why shouldnt he be held responsible?

So many people all over the country want to use Lage Raho Munnabhai and Gandhigiri as an example of what an outstanding citizen he is. I think its time India and Indians learned to seperate the actor from the character. Amrish Puri wasnt the antithesis of India when he played Mogambo, the myriad of actors who played Gandhi do not embody him and neither does Sanjay Dutt prove he is an ideal citizen by playing Munnabhai.

If its foolishness we wish to reward then why spare the idiot Memon wife, who got sentenced to life imprisonment cuz the car used in the attacks was registered in her name. She was in Dubai (fled or otherwise), she wasnt involved in the attacks her brother-in-law was, and he used her car, while she was out of the country.

If the benefit of the doubt is to be extended why not to those laborers that have spent 14 years in prison and will spend the rest of their lives there, for unloading crates from boats. Did they think it was smuggled goods, sure. Did they know it was guns or RDX probably not.

If my facts are wrong, correct me, because I have been gone from India long enough to not know all of them. What do all of you think?

Random thoughts

2007-07-31T12:17:00.000+05:30

I have stared at the create post screen quite often in the past few days. I have wanted to write so much and yet ended up writing nothing. Quite similar to my personal life lately, wherein I pick up the phone to talk to friends but end up not calling simply because my words fail me.

Rather I think its being unfair to my words in saying that they fail me, its simply a restless feeling that is overtaking me.

The thought did cross my mind, that the past few months have been so incredibly stressful and hectic that the sudden lack of all stress and hecticness has left me listless and lethargic. I didnt post in the past cuz I was busy and now I am not posting because I walk around missing something in my life. Yes, I am the only freak who felt odd for a week into her summer vacation cuz suddenly there was nothing to do. I also realize that maybe its a matter of time before the pace picks up again.

Keshi's friend, the flu dropped in after visiting her for a little while and had me totally distracted last week, so I have not been able to comment on all the posts.

I have also been grappling with the ever present dilemma of how much do I want to post on here in a public forum. How much is too much and how many of my thoughts do I want exposed. I usually say things on here that I would not hesitate saying in real life, yet my blog was always my space, my personal space where most of my friends and family never stopped in (not for lack of my not informing them believe me).
Increasingly I have spotted lurkers, people who visit my blog daily never commenting. Its one thing to share my life with fellow bloggers, another to share it with anonymous lurkers, some who suspiciously appear to be ppl I might know and not always get along with. Hey, if you are stopping by for gossip, I dont lie when I say I lead an extremely boring life, there really is no gossip. No scandals I am hiding from family, no double life I am leading. Really really boring you know.

So I read a lot in the last few weeks, finishing Ludlum's Trevayne and The Bankcroft Strategy, The Deathly Hallows (HP7) and Baldacci's The Last Hour.

Mostly constituting mindless fiction but I found a common thread in all of them. It was interesting to note (or maybe I was spotting something considering my current frame of mind) a lot of the wrong that happens in this world is at the hands of those misguided enough to think they know what is right for others. What happens when in the zeal to help and do the right thing, you start doing some small wrongs. Does the end justify the means?

Does the end always justify the means? It takes an incredible person to stand up and say while we fight, I shall not stoop to your level. I shall fight fair and not hit below the belt, despite what you try to do.

Does that person have a chance at winning or to win will he ultimately have to stoop to that level, and hope that the ends justify the means?

Gandhigiri

2007-07-20T12:37:00.000+05:30

A few weeks ago, turned out several of my friends in USA on an H1 visa were fairly excited. Apparently the US government had decided to open up and accept applications for green cards, and they were eligible. The result was a mad dash of activity as they got their papers together and applied.
A few days later, when I found them sulking, I ventured to ask what was wrong. Apparently the flurry of applications that the office received caused them to change their mind and reject all of them. Needless to say I was miffed about this as well, it just didnt seem fair. Besides the US newspapers, this story hit the desi ones (and my favorite TOI, Miss Iyer u listening..hehe) as well. The desi ones had stories of how some applicants spent thousands getting their papers in order and the money was wasted. These aplicants were airing their grievances online and managed to come up with an idea to be heard.
Gandhigiri. I was fascinated for I had yet to see if Gandhigiri works in real life, much less outside America. Their plan was to send white flowers to INS offices on 10th July. I was excited, me being me, I even contacted all my sulking friends. A few downright ignored my email, some reprimanded me for believing in my childlike world where things were that easy, the rest scoffed. Having learned my lesson, I let the matter slide.
Well Recently, I saw an article stating that the INS office was truely sorry about what happened, and were going to re-accept certain applications (I am not srue of the details this time around, whether its a percentage by lottery or all applications recieved before a certain date etc). I was happy for all my friends that had a chance again.
It wasnt until yesterday that I saw another article, wherein people claimed that Gandhigiri had worked. The flustered officials had been caught off guard by the onslaught and public reaction thus forcing them to rethink policy.

WHOA Gandhigiri worked? Why didnt I make the connection or maybe it was just the newspaper making a fictitious connection? I dunno, but I havent found enough for it to be conclusive but it has sure caught my fancy.

168

2007-07-14T22:05:00.000+05:30

She boarded the bus hesitantly. As the driver peered down at her, a chill ran down her spine. She smiled briefly but the smile disappeared when the driver began to frown. He handed her a token which she clutched in her hands and was ushered to a seat.

Her seat had a fire extinguisher and miscellaneous other equipment lining it. She gulped and hoped that the lump of fear in her throat could be gulped down as well, but the lump remained. Her hands were clammy from the sweat, if it was unbearably hot in the bus, she didnt have the courage to even open a window.

She noticed she was still clutching the token in her fist and she unfurled the piece of paper to get a better look at what it said. It simply had a number printed in bold across it "168". She looked around on the bus and wondered if she was the 168th person to board that night, for the bus didnt have that many passengers at the time. She stared at the piece of paper mentally making a list of the possibilities it could represent till an idea started forming in her head.

Her eyes slowly widened in horror at the thought that threatened to inch everything else out and take priority. "168", she knew without a doubt what that number represented. Her hand began shaking uncontrollably. The token slipped from her hand as she recoiled in horror at the memory of the pain.

It was almost as if she was reliving those few moments right before she had died. It had been an accident, her mother had always told her not to play with matches yet she disobeyed that day. The fire had soon raged uncontrollably, soon entire houses were engulfed in flames. She had been one of the first to die, and still remembered the pain as the flames torched her.

After death, she had been led to a courtroom. She remembered the confusion, for as someone who was dead, how could she be tried for the death of 168 people (for that was how many people had died in that inferno that day). Apparently this court was in purgatory. The judge had peered down at her and frowned. He had wanted to ship her to hell but since it had been an accident, he had resigned her fate to community service instead.

She looked around at the other passengers on the bus and realized they had the same haunted look on their face as they confronted their demons. She had been assigned to the bus that patrolled. She would be here every day till eternity (if that is what it took), every day till she saved 168 lives from dying a fiery death.

She knew that she would relive the pain and her dying moments, everytime she plunged into fire to save someone else and that was her punishment. She clutched the fire extinguisher as the bus took off unsure of the road that lay ahead but knowing full well it could have been a lot worse.

Note: I do not know whether I have read or seen this concept before,. Its practically verbatim a dream I had friday night. I am sure dream analytics would have fun with it, but for now chose to share it.

Believe it?

2007-07-07T14:14:00.000+05:30

Remember Kalpana Chawla, the Indian Born astronaut?

Well my favorite TOI (for where else do you get such news?) has reported that there is a 4 year old, born a few months after the Columbia crash, named Upasana in UP, India.

The girl has claimed since she learned to talk that she is Kalpana Chawla who died in the sky. Her parents ordinary laborers had initially ignored the claim as they didnt know about Kalpana Chawla but now think this might be a case of re-incarnation.

As always I know not what to believe, so I ask you guys, do you believe it?

Out of Reach

2007-07-02T12:00:00.001+05:30

Sitting at the edge of the water, she continued to stare into the stream. The stream had swelled a little due to the onset of the monsoon and was now gushing rather then the pathetic trickle that it was reduced to over summer.

She had been sitting there hunched for a few hours, continuing to stare with great focus in to the depths of the stream. A small smile began to form on her face, and the familiar mischievous gleam appeared in her eyes. She crept closer to the edge and leaned in, her hand hovering in the air.

In a split second her hand had lunged into the stream, as she tried to catch it. Disappointed as the hand came up empty and frustrated she decided, enough was enough. She lunged into the water and started chasing something.

A good ten minutes later, she sat exhausted in the shallow edge of the stream, completely soaked, a little muddy from all the running around in the stream. The fish she had been chasing swam up to her, nudged her on the knee and escaped again before she could catch it.

Grumpy from the frustration she trudged home empty handed. The fish had bested her yet again, tempting her and yet comfortably out of her reach when she tried to catch it.

It had been so for the last month and yet she tried, only to fail again.

2007-06-17T18:08:00.000+05:30

I remember a few months ago when someone I knew was trying to get word out, looking for a particular blood group for someone that was battling death at the hospital. I was quite upset to know that the hospitals couldnt arrange for so much blood, reliable blood and I was at a loss at how to help (for my blood group didnt match obviously).

This article in the TOI, about a website indianblooddonors.com would probably have been the answer to her problems. It is a website where over 45000 people are registered and willing to go out and donate blood in need. All people have to do is login and request, it takes about 20 minutes to verify details and within 30 odd minutes you can find donors.

Needless to say its incredibly useful and people from all over the country are registered so increasing the chances of finding a donor in an emergency.

I just wanted to share the information, bring it to everyone's notice and express gratitude to those that came up with the idea and maintain it.

Random update

2007-06-13T14:43:00.000+05:30

Thanks to all my gizmos like igoogle and google reader, (yeah soon my life will be completely dependent on google and microsoft) I have been reading everyone's blogs, seeing the pictures. Its easier when the entries appear right on my homepage everytime i open my browser.

I have not however been commenting regularly, for some reason, I try to, but words either fail me or seem too hollow to seem right. So more often then not,i have avoided commenting. I know I didnt owe any explanations but I felt I had to give just that.

In the last week, in an effort perhaps to rediscover my words, I read. I read the kite runner and I read Eldest by christopher paolini (a sequel to Eragon, I saw the movie, a first where I hadnt read the book first).

The kite runner, my first reaction into the book was unsettling, for the book was darker then I had anticipated. I still dont have words to describe it, for I am still absorbing every layer in the book long after I finished reading it. The only reaction that I am willing to allow myself is that for once the protagonist felt real. He made mistakes and big ones, he was human or atleast the way i tend to see humanity.

Eldest made me regret not having read Eragon first, it was beautifully written and had me captivated. But then I am quite biased to that genre, its an escape and it was a well timed escape. I was enthralled by the skill of Paolini who I believe recently turned 23 and was about 20-21 when his second book was released. The details and the storyline were doubly impressive when considering his age.

Well I finished the books and am on the lookout for something else to read. Unfortunately words still evade me...so bear with me and my sporadic silences a little longer.

Jab bhi dil karein

2007-06-11T12:35:00.000+05:30

This ad cracks me up, it is one of the most innovative commercials ever and well if most of you havent seen it already. I'd like to share it
Not to forget its an innovative solution to the power shortage that seems to perpetually grip the country...now if only we could find a way to power fans etc similarly..hehe